


Undercover

by Doii



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, POV Duo Maxwell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24505690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doii/pseuds/Doii
Summary: A mission forces Duo to deal with his hidden feelings, pushing him to his mental and emotional limits.
Relationships: Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner
Comments: 7
Kudos: 47





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another story I found in my laptop. I hope you like it. Luckily this one is clearly separated in sections so I will be able to post each one quickly and not to make weird random cuts haha. 
> 
> Of course I don't own the characters, the brand, nothing gundam wing related and I'm making no profit out of it. 
> 
> I also apologize because I don't check my email as often as I should, but once I start posting a story I don't let it hanging. It is between stories that I kind of disappear, mostly because these have been crazy times. Hope you are all safe, healthy and doing well!

Heero Yuy laughed at Quatre’s joke while handling me a mug with a tea I wanted but I hadn’t asked for. This was followed by him leaning down and simply kissing my forehead, as if it was something we did fucking daily, before walking back to the table to prepare his own tea. I had to do my damned best to stop my shocked reaction and act like a contented boyfriend used to all this affection would do. Damn but this undercover mission was fucking up with my head. 

A few months ago we discovered a new group of rebels who seemed to have strong ties with some of the richest people of L8. Luckily, or unluckily, depends on how you see it, Quatre could provide us an entry point to our suspects. Quatre was, of course, well known in the business world, the political world and the peace world. However, most people had no idea he was a Gundam pilot. We had hacked our way everywhere to erase any trace of our identities and decreased our public appearance for a long time. Quatre had also abandoned his boyish looks to grown into a damn handsome businessman with a beard that hid a good chunk of his facial features. Our suspects were the owners of quite a few companies in L8 who happened to live on earth most of the time. They were a gay couple with the habit, quite surprising to me with my almost nil dating experience, to have romantic escapades with other gay couples. 

If you’d asked me, I’d have assumed they were basically swingers, what’s this thing with many couples escaping together? But no. Quatre acted all closer and friendly with them and got invited to one of these trips a few months ago. He confirmed it was just ‘friends on holidays’ but in a secure and protected environment to be all lovey-dovey with their couples in front of fucking everyone. What was this? The 20th century? Since when people gives two shits about who you date? But fuck it. I wasn’t going to make a fuss if this actually helped us to stop these rebels.

Quatre had managed to make Heero and I, undercover as a couple, meet these people, and we had all been eventually invited to another of their romantic escapades. Wufei, too straight and deeply involved with Sally wasn’t so willing to play the part. Instead, he’d been relegated to strategy and coordination duty, so we were permanently connected to him through hidden comms. As I don’t care about acting, and Heero would do whatever you order him to do, he and I had been partnered for this case. Quatre and Trowa were also here, but more like backup. They weren’t Preventers after all. Though it felt damn good to have them around. 

The purpose was to access the personal data, laptop, files and well… everything that could allow us to confirm if these people were behind the destruction taking place by the rebels of L8, and gather enough evidence to open a case against them. We had a full week in one of their holidays mansions to do so. We had been here for less than an hour and I already felt like we were in deep shit. 

Oh no, the mission was going just fine. So far we had met three more couples, and were waiting for one more. The issue was Heero. I don’t know if he studied for this, trained, I don’t know what the hell happened, but one minute he was the damn perfect soldier that doesn’t direct me two words unless extremely necessary, and the next he was the sweetest and most caring boyfriend I could’ve dreamed of. What the fuck. 

It was making me feel in all kinds of ways I didn’t want to be feeling. I had, for a long time, been head over heels for my partner. It had been a damn painful period of my life, and I’ve had plenty of those. Heero had made pretty clear he only tolerated me and had no interest in pursuing even a simple friendship with me. The reaction to my first attempts to become closer let me quite clear that I could fool around him all I wanted to try and bring the friendship out of him, but I should certainly keep my deeper romantic feelings to myself. So I did. Not even Quatre knew how I felt towards Heero. How I still feel. I managed to put a break on the intensity, and to control the longing, to mask the hurt and to expect nothing but his soldier effectiveness and detached coldness. I hadn’t managed to get really over it just yet, and the mission was helping shit. 

When I heard Heero calling me babe as soon as we parked and opened the car doors I almost fell flat on my face. I will clarify something now. I don’t want Heero calling me babe, I would never expect that specific pet name coming from him if we were really together. Shit, I think I have issues with the ‘babe’ thing as well. But damn, it was unexpected and it sounded like an endearment, and it was sweet and caring and damn natural and it twisted inside me like a damn knife carving at my bloody heart. 

I understood then this mission was going to be a lot of shoving in my face what I’ll never have. It was a twisted fucked up reality designed to mess me up. It was hell. It was a two edged sword as well. As much as I love Heero, having this person who looks like him but is most certainly not him makes me feel so fucking divided it hurts. I love Heero, not this made up persona. I don’t expect Heero to become this. Shit, I don’t want him to become this. But… at the same time, it is so fucking nice to be treated gently and lovingly by the person I love. I know in real life I couldn’t take much of it. I don’t do clingy, I’m not romantic in the traditional fucked up sense, and I have just a tiny amount of abandonment issues and unresolved shit with all this loving and dying crap. But damn. Shit. I don’t know what I really feel anymore. I like this? I dislike this? I crave it? I crave the feelings I wish were lying underneath? Do I have a secret wish of a corny and cheesy relationship? Do I want Heero to change and be someone else? 

By the time our luggage was in our room, king size bed and all, I had a raging headache and a pretty bad heartache. And things didn’t promise to get any better for me. From the ‘babe’ thing we went to the ‘reading my mind about the tea’ thing and the ‘kiss in the forehead’ thing. To make things more fucking weird after having his own tea he came to sit next to me and put an arm around my shoulders. I stilled for a second before inclining my body towards him, making it seem like I was leaning though I really wasn’t. I was damned tense. I’m sure he’d feel it if I actually put my muscles against his. How on earth was I going to survive, mentally, emotionally, a whole week of this acting? a whole week of sharing a bed? 

‘Babe? You alright?’ Heero’s voice, so oddly soft and concerned distracted my thoughts and I realized I’d spaced out and it had become obvious for everyone else in the room. I blinked several times before gathering the strength for a goofy grin. 

‘Sorry about that. I think I’m a bit more tired than I thought. I guess you were right and I really needed a break.’ I turned to my audience then, ‘What did I miss?’

‘We were asking how you guys met’, Shawn, the homeowner and main suspect asked. I laughed, delighted. 

‘How much did Hiro tell already? I don’t want to bore you by repeating the same, though he says I’m way cruder when I tell the story and take half of the romance away.’ 

‘I stopped in the “braid fire” incident to ask you if Quatre and Trowa were there at the time or not.’ We had a whole story of how we met Quatre and Trowa of course, and a lot of ‘couple’s stuff’ that were almost like our own language. It was easier to look like a long term rich couple of two posh businessmen if we had all of that. In the official story, we had been together for 7 years, since we meet in highschool at 15, we had moved in together as soon as we hit the business mark at 20. Perhaps in other circles that’d look odd. But after the war and having Quatre and Trowa here, it wasn’t so weird to be so young and rich. Shawn and his boyfriend Luke were only 24 after all. 

‘Yes, they were, but in the pool. So they only saw me when I was running desperately and jumped to the pool all clothed.’ Quatre and Trowa started openly laughing then and describing our youth memories. It was the first time I was surrounded by all this laughter and instead of becoming the forgettable centre of attention I’d trained to become, I felt absolutely detached from it. The noise echoed in my ears but it felt surreal. I couldn’t find the amusement in me, not even the contentment because we obviously had them fooled. So instead I pretended to be embarrassed and drowned in my tea. 

-o-

After the last couple arrived, the random get-to-know each other chat stopped and we all went to play tennis. The hosts had decided on a small doubles tournament. It was quickly evident they were highly competitive, but they also liked a challenge. And easy win would piss them off more than losing. With a quick glance Heero and I decided to go for tough opponents, cutting it close but still not winning. It went even better of what we had planned, as the pretending to lose at the end wasn’t so much pretending as me having a goddamn accident. 

We were in the last point and Heero ran to it, ‘It’s mine babe’, he said and softly caressed my arm when he passed by. It took me completely out of balance. Such a tender gesture was completely unnecessary, especially in this context. It got me distracted, and when it was my time to run I didn’t see a ball that had stayed in the court. I fell on my hands and only luck saved me from spraining my ankle. 

‘You ok babe?’ Heero ran to me, I was still trying to get used to the damn situation. ‘D.? Donovan, babe, you with me?’ I felt his hands grab my shoulder and the obvious worry in his voice finally got to me. Get a fucking grip Maxwell, you are a soldier on a mission, act like it, damn it. 

‘Yeah, sorry, I don’t think it’s sprained but it hurts quite a bit. I didn’t see the ball,’ I pointed to it with my chin. ‘I think I need some ice’. An unfamiliar hand approached me with a blue frozen square. I looked up to find Luke looking apologetically to me. ‘Sorry about that’, he said. 

‘Don’t worry,’ I smiled. ‘It clearly wasn’t your fault. It’s just sad we end the game like this. It was getting quite tight’. I saw his eyes sparkle with delight, well, at least we were safe on our cover still. 

‘I know. I think we hadn’t had such a fun game in a while. You are very coordinated, play often?’

‘Whenever we can. We also play squash every now and then, so it helps with the couple coordination…’ I hissed as Heero pressed my ankle. 

‘Sorry love,’ he muttered, ‘I was just checking.’

‘It’s fine. I think I could walk if you help me, but just to be on the safe side, I think you’ll have to carry me.’ I gave him a playful smile and Luke laughed at my antics. 

‘Poor Hiro, how could he cope.’ He teased. 

‘I’m rather used to it, I think I’ll manage.’ Heero grinned and winked an eye to our host before grabbing me and walking towards the benches. ‘I think Donovan and I are out of the tournament for now’, Heero stated, and I apologized loudly to the rest of the players. Sympathetic comments accompanied us all the way to the shadow where he sat us down. Shawn came quickly with a med kit and more ice. Luke was already removing the evil ball out of the courtyard. 

‘I’m really sorry Donovan, and this is only the first day’, he almost whined, I pouted and then grinned. 

‘Just my luck. I should have taken a nap or something. But there’s no real damage, I only need to rest for a bit, keep the ice in place, get some curing love from Hiro, and will be fine by the time the tournament ends. You should be grateful. With us out of it, you’ll probably get to win.’ Shawn’s eyes shone to my bait, mirth dancing in them. 

‘Most likely,’ he confirmed. ‘But I like challenges.’

‘What do you say about this. If you win today, and I’m with no pain tomorrow, the day after we can play another match and fight for the champion of the world title,’ Shawn was so excited about the idea that it made me smile, it was damned easy to make him happy, I’d have to remind myself permanently he was a suspect of financing a hell of a lot of crimes. So I turned to Heero. ‘What do you say love, you up for it?’ 

‘Sure.’ He said, his tender eyes locked on me, his hand fixing a bit of hair that had escaped my braid. ‘We’ll make sure to defeat them then.’ He said before turning a challenging smirk towards Shawn who still laughing walked back to the courtyard. Once he was out of listening range Heero turned his serious glance to me. ‘You really ok?’

‘Yeah, that was stupid of me, but it is not serious, and at least we get to be by the shadow instead of under the sun for a while.’ He nodded, keeping the ice in place, and I turned to face the new match taking place. This time it was against Quatre and Trowa. I pretended to be focused on their game to control and mask the hurt. As soon as we had been left alone a lot of the tenderness and couples shit had disappeared. I was quite certain it hadn’t fully disappeared only because there were cameras everywhere in this damned place. Besides, we were undercover, we had to assume we were being listened and watched at all times. I almost hit myself for feeling hurt though. What the fuck was I doing getting my hopes up? Hopes of what? What right did I have to be hurt? I didn’t want this fake cheesy relationship! Yet, the moment Heero turned a bit more like his own self, the one I had fallen in love with, I hurt. I was starting to doubt I was fit for this mission. Give me undercover ops with low life thugs and not a fucking problem. Killing tons? sure. Explosions and danger and maybe not coming out of it alive? anytime. Playing boyfriend with Heero was beyond me. It was suddenly personal. I’d have to find all my will, my strength and my damned training to pull this one through. 

-o-

After tennis it was swimming time. We gathered in a small open cabin that provided us shadow, air conditioning and drinks, and it was directly linked to the open pool. It was an excellent idea. You could chat with the people bathing while avoiding the sun and the heat if you weren’t up for it. Heero had been quick to find a nice spot for me to rest and sat next to me, while talking to the rest. I had never heard him speak so fucking much in my entire goddamn life. I took advantage of my already twice declared tiredness and my injury and pretended to take a nap. I wasn’t in the mood to play cheerful. It wasn’t a required part of my character either. I could be a partially depressed boyfriend if I fucking wanted to. Heero was the happy one for the both of us anyway. I distractedly wondered what Wufei would be making of all of this on his end, listening to all this damned surreal situation. But I fell asleep before reaching a conclusion. 

-o-

‘Babe, wake up,’ A soft hand shook me a bit, while another hand caressed my cheek. ‘Donovan, it is time to wake up. Dinner is served.’ Mission. Undercover. I stirred and turned, grabbing Heero’s hand in the process and intertwined our fingers. ‘Five more minutes?’ I asked tentatively. He smiled. ‘No, you have slept enough, and otherwise you won’t sleep at night. We are on holidays babe, not the time to be a night owl as you always do back home.’ He scolded lightly. 

‘I want my morning kiss or I’m not moving.’ I closed my eyes an adopted a sulky attitude. He chuckled and I reveled in the sound. Not real, I reminded myself sharply. Only then I noticed the barely hidden laughter around us. True, we were not alone. Well, this was some shit Duo Maxwell would never do. Never been one for public shit. But I wasn’t me now, so fuck it. And apparently Heero was willing to do this shit anyway, because he gave me a soft peck in the lips that almost stopped my heart forever, and then rubbed our noses together. The sounding ‘aaaaw’ around us gave me the excuse to act startled, jump and blush at the same time. It also gave me the excuse to act shy all over dinner. Good. I wasn’t willing to entertain all the guests about more love stories that weren’t true. 

-o-

Once we finally got to our bedroom to hide for the rest of the night I took my long sweet time of loneliness in the bathroom. I was feeling quite off balance. While Heero had been charming and funny I had been distracted and reserved. It wasn’t so obvious, and it was interpreted as shyness. But Trowa and Quatre had directed me a couple of odd looks. Heero had acted as it it was totally normal though. Which was good. He was giving my failing act some credibility. I scolded myself. I was being an idiot. Why was it suddenly so hard? I was the damned best undercover agent in the whole history of Preventers. Why couldn’t I just become Donovan? 

I only left the bathroom once my hair was dry and braided again. I had spend the whole time reinforcing the need to be Donovan. He wasn’t as hype as I can be when I’m full Jester. But he wasn’t this… withdrawn either. Heero directed me an odd glance but composed himself into Hiro quite quickly. We had no idea how private our privacy really was after all. 

‘That was a long bath. Is everything alright love? It was too exhausting for you?’

‘Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I’d been so caught up in work that I didn’t notice how tired I was until you took me away from it. It is a good thing you did it though. I think I need some time to disconnect from work and of course, to connect even more with you. Hopefully I will feel more energetic tomorrow. You know I also get a bit more tired when we meet new people. You are the extrovert in the relationship. They are all very nice though. But it unbalanced me a bit when I fell playing tennis. I was so embarrassed.’ My speech served the purpose to explain my whole damned behaviour to anyone who could be listening. I made sure to sound tired but loving, and took the time to walk around the room fixing things and undressing for bed at the same time. It seemed like a daily and homey talk between a set couple. 

‘It’s ok. I just worry. You are too much of a workaholic sometimes. I’m happy you agreed to get away from work for a full week. You can be your usual introvert self if you want to. Quatre and Trowa know us and if we are to become closer friends with everyone else, it is better if they get to know you are not precisely a party animal. You are lovely just as you are, low energy levels and all.’ He said, for the benefit of the lie. I smiled at him and nodded. 

‘That’s why I love you. You are so understanding,’ I got into the bed, knowing already which side Heero preferred. ‘Coming?’ I asked, making it sound tempting but not crude. 

‘Definitely.’ He whispered before turning the lights off. I felt him get into the bed, he approached me and made a sound that could be interpreted as a kiss, but wasn’t really touching me. I moaned softly before whispering I was tired and that I loved him. Then we rolled to our respective sides. I felt cold and so damn alone. This was going to be a very long week.


	2. Day 2

The next morning I was awoken by Heero rolling towards me in the bed. He hugged me from behind and rubbed his nose against my right shoulder. I froze. He must have felt the tension but kept playing his part. I was grateful he could be ever so professional. Before this mission, I could have sworn I was too. 

‘Morning love. How are you feeling today?’ I turned towards him and gave him a soft peck in the lips. 

‘Better, less tired. How did you sleep?’

‘Good. It was so warm though that I rolled away from you. Now I intend to compensate that.’ 

‘Mmm, I like how that sounds.’ I said and let him grab me in his arms and position me on top of him. I moaned again and he grunted. We were still with our boxers. I couldn’t feel an erection in him. And I was too depressed, stressed and over controlled to have a boner at the moment. Which was just fine. Because I didn’t want the situation to get any worse than it already was. Heero moved us in such a way that it seemed we were rocking and rubbing against each other, but in fact we were not, we weren’t even really hugging. Then he grabbed my face and made me slowly lean for a kiss. Before we could reach each other’s lips there was a knock on the door. I felt relief expand in me. And I felt awful about it as well. 

But you see, as much as I wanted that kiss, and how I could never want to make Heero feel rejected, I had been looking at his eyes the whole time he took to fake the slow romantic kiss. He had been the perfect soldier the whole time. His eyes were a cold uninterested wall. He was making evident this was only part of the mission, that he had no interest whatsoever on it. And I didn’t need the fucking reminder. The distance and politeness of our friendship were enough already. Even when he was in a good mood and would banter with me it was always short lived, always in a group and never amounted to any kind of interest in becoming closer. He would never confide in me, or hang out with me, or just be a real caring and interested friend with me. 

I pretended to be disappointed while I distanced myself from him. Then I acted as if I was trying to find my boxers and put them on, quickly grabbing the robe to hide the lack of a boner. Then I walked to the door and opened with a renewed expression. To fake politeness would make sense in a situation like this, if it had been real. I was surprised to find Quatre in front of me. 

‘Not ready yet? come on get dressed. We are having breakfast in 20 minutes in the pool cabin and I want you to see the peacocks before that. Told you I was going to be here at 8:30.’ Did he? I honestly couldn’t remember. Heero apparently had though. Because he had timed it perfectly. 

‘Sorry, sorry, got… distracted. Give me a sec. I took my shower and washed my hair last night, and you interrupted my need to shower this morning. Wanna come in?’ He laughed, pretending to be half embarrassed and half repentant of having interrupted the morning sex I just wasn’t going to have. 

‘Hiro, I’m Quat, I’m coming in.’ He announced himself as an old friend would do. Heero was already in his robe and grabbing some clothes for the day. They chatted as two old comfortable friends would do in this situation. Or that’s what I’m guessing happened. Because the moment I didn’t need to stay focused on someone’s words and as soon as I started grabbing my own clothing I got distracted again. Here I was, sharing a room with the man I truly loved and had loved for so long, pretending to have a sweet loving and solid long-term relationship. But our stuff were in the opposite sides of the room, both piles ordered like a soldier would do. There was no discarded clothing in the floor, left there after some pre-sleep making out. I thought about the one night stands that I’d had in my life. The rooms were always a mess after we were done. It tore at me to face the obvious evidence of an absolute lack of passion. And why would there be? Heero Yuy didn’t love me. He didn’t desire me. He didn’t care about me. Sure, he cared about me a bit more than about any random stranger. But that was pretty much it. The falseness of it suddenly seemed to much, and I felt such a strong urge of running away from the damned room that it almost took my breath away. I was drowning. It was oppressing. And why the fuck was I drowning so easily? Why was this getting so much to me? 

A hand in my shoulder startled me. I turned and blinked and managed to focus on the present again. Quatre was looking at me, a small frown evidenced his concern. ‘You spaced out.’ He said, but it was a question. It took me a couple of seconds to find my capacity to laugh and force a light laughter out of me. ‘Sorry about that’, I said, still chuckling, and walked to the toilet to dress as quick as possible. I didn’t offer an explanation. I didn’t have one. 

Once I was ready he and Heero directed me questioning glances but I used the undercover mission shit as my cover, acting all merry and telling Quatre we needed to hurry or we wouldn’t see the peacocks before breakfast. So we left. Heero closed the door behind us, and the sound echoed inside me. 

-o-

Breakfast was a quiet affair. Heero and Trowa arrived together and sat next to us. Heero brought me food, I made him a toast. He put an arm around my waist, I gave him a bite of my pastry. He entertained people with stories, I laid my head in his shoulder and got distracted with the peacocks, adding some remarks here and there. Based on how I was feeling and my attitude the previous day I kept my comments in a lower voice, and talking to all but mostly to Heero, as if looking at him for confirmation. At least if I kept faltering, the persona of Donovan as shy and withdrawn would sustain. It didn’t need to be exactly how I had designed it, but constant, and I could at least do that. 

‘So Donovan,’ Luke addressed me directly. ‘How come you and Heero became so close if he was always causing trouble in school? Were you also a trouble-maker?’ And this was my chance to give more credibility to my attitude. 

‘Not really, I don’t have the energy you need to cause so much trouble, or to run away after and avoid getting caught. But I guess it attracted me, I wished I could be bolder.’ Heero directed his intense eyes at me then, and did this nose rubbing thing, and the smile thing, and I felt my heart clench. The way he’d looked at me wasn’t Hiro, but the soldier Heero analysing what I was doing, what I was saying, the mission. It was funny though, that he was the troublemaker and I was not. But I had a thing in common with Donovan, I wished I was bolder. I wished I could just act on my feelings instead of being so scared of Heero hurting me as he had, unconsciously, the whole two wars and all the time as Preventers’ partners after. I wished I could tell him and be rejected to get fucking over all this shit. 

-o-

After breakfast the hosts had planned some horse riding. I had only done it a few times. Mostly because Quatre told me I could need it for this mission. I just hated to be burdening the poor thing with my weight, especially when I can just freaking walk. But Shawn wanted to show us a small beach that was kind of far. Lunch was waiting for us over there, and the idea was to swim a bit before it and then some hill walking. Heero and I had previously decided that we needed to use this second day to do some recon. The first day it’d be too obvious, but we couldn’t really delay it until the last minute. We needed to at least check if there were mikes or cameras in our room, and plant our own bugs. We hadn’t decided exactly on how to do it. But I had an idea. 

Luckily on the way to the beach I didn’t need to do much. The hosts were pointing things here and there, making comments and remarks on the landscape and some random stories that had taken place along the way. As long as I laughed in the right moment I could detach myself from my surroundings. It was also good because Heero was in his own horse. No more of this weird nonsensical and fake tenderness. As much as I’d wanted contact before this mission. I wanted distance now. It was upsetting and confusing and painful. 

Once we reached the place I just had to fake some clumsiness and landed over the same feet I’d ‘hurt’ the day before. I just had to moan and pretend to lose my balance a bit. Heero reached me in a second, supporting me from the back. I was glad he’s so damned quick. 

‘Your ankle?’

‘Yeah, I guess I hurt it a bit more of what I thought,’ I directed big sad eyes towards him. ‘Don’t know if I’ll be able to go hill walking.’

‘It’s fine babe, let’s see how you feel after we rest for a bit, and if not I can go back to the house with you to check your injury.’ I shook my head emphatically. 

‘No, it’s not fair you’ll miss the rest of the adventures for today. I can go home on my own if I don’t feel better by then. I don’t want to upset my injury anymore to see if we can play that tennis match, but it doesn’t mean you have to go home and watch me take a nap.’ 

‘Don’t be silly Donovan,’ Quatre interrupted. ‘It’s better if Hiro is there in case you need something or your injury gets any worse. You said you want to be fine enough to play tennis. You need to be responsible with it.’ 

‘But Quatre…’ I tried to protest. 

‘You two just want to have the morning sex Quatre interrupted’ Trowa interjected and I blushed and sputtered better than Wufei could ever accomplish. Which of course brought a pretty loud round of laughter. I could only hide my embarrassed face in Heero’s neck. 

‘Don’t spoil our new friends Trowa. You know how shy Donovan can be about those things’. Heero scolded lightly.

‘Well, Donovan, I guess if you don’t feel better after some rest and food, you and Hiro can go back. I promise we’ll only ask about your ankle. Everything else will remain secret… unless you are too loud and the service can hear you.’ Shawn said, the mischief evident in all his features. I groaned and hugged Heero as if trying to disappear into his body. I only dared to look around after everyone else seemed distracted enough. Their focus anywhere else but me. I was truly upset and didn’t want the guys to notice. 

No, I wasn’t upset about the stupid jokes. Damn, any normal day I’d be the one saying the jokes, taking them to the next level, embarrassing the hell out of everyone else. No. What upset me was that I felt exhibited with all the attention and the notion something had been interrupted that morning. Something that obviously wasn’t going to happen and I knew Heero had planned it to work in that exact way. The joke had been so Trowa, like our real friend, not like the persona he put in front of this people, that it threw me to the real world. A world where going back to the house meant Heero was going to act as if I didn’t exist or as if I bothered him or as a soldier on a mission that required efficient communication. Maybe he’ll use some sweet sentences in case we are being recorded. But he’ll definitely avoid the physical contact, the closeness, and his eyes will stop lying. I sighed and felt a familiar hand in my lower back, startling me. I tensed and the slightly concerned glance Trowa was directing me became proper worry. Though masked, to make sure non-gundam pilots wouldn’t pick on it. That was worse. It meant Trowa, my friend, was worried about me. Just how much was I failing here?

‘Need help to walk to the table?’ He asked, and I knew he wanted to be close so he could perhaps ask something else. So I shook my head stubbornly at the same time I directed him a grateful smile. 

‘I want to try on my own. Is the only way to test what’s going on with my damned ankle. But I’d appreciate if you stay around in case I falter.’ There you had it. Close as a friend, not close enough to share secrets. I saw the shadow of annoyance in the back of Trowa’s eyes. Of course he got the hidden meaning of my actions. I’m sure if we hadn’t been undercover he’d have shaken me to make me say why I had reacted like that to his touching me. It just startled me. Damn, everyone is being so fucking touchy in this damned mission. Since when Heero Yuy fucking touches me, hugs me, holds me, rubs his nose with mine? It’s driving me insane. Then Trowa, who’s is not a touchy person either, is suddenly touching me too. Can’t they give me some freaking space? I sighed again. I wasn’t being fair. I was being way too emotional and I hadn’t really focused on the reason why it all bothered me so much. I mean, there were some obvious things. Like me being in love with the person who was pretending to be my boyfriend, but… damn, it was more than that. 

Perhaps noticing I was a bit uncomfortable, the hosts made sure to direct the attention to the other people in the table, but leaving me out of it. Heero was less the centre of attention this time. I suspect for the same reason. It gave me the time to try to put some order in my mind and my feelings. Damn, but I wasn’t grasping all I needed from my surroundings, and these were the enemies I needed to get to know. I was the best at this! Sure, with three more of the guys here I wasn’t really needed. But I’ve always been the fastest at reading people, they’d probably rely on me, and I was fucking failing them. 

By the point the food came I was so fed up and frustrated with myself that I wasn’t remotely hungry. I distracted myself looking at the sea. The small private beach was beautiful, but private beaches shouldn’t exist, it’s freaking insane. The movement of the waves and the sound they were making became something almost hypnotic. It soothed me. It became so easy to tune the world out. I only remained aware enough to not react as a soldier to other’s contact. Which was a damned good thing when Heero touched me again, and my hand, instead of flying to break his neck, only made a small aborted movement, tensing and releasing the energy almost instantly. I quick glance around told me no one noticed. But as soon as I reached Heero I knew he had. There was shocked surprise hidden deep in his blue eyes. 

His eyes told me to relax before putting his hand in my back, rubbing in circles. At the same time he started putting some food in my plate. I nodded in resignation and started eating. But he directed me a disappointed frown when I pushed the plate away, not having eaten enough. I just couldn’t stomach one more bite. I had a huge desire to be left alone. I thought I may as well stay the rest of the mission in that beach, or at least the rest of the day. But no, I needed to go back to the house and I’d just provided the perfect excuse for Heero and I to do so while Trowa and Quatre could keep an eye on our suspects. 

After food, Heero and I said a sad goodbye to the delight of hill walking, and went back. To keep the story of my weakened condition Heero offered me to ride with him, and the service took my horse back. I had few chances to reject that level of closeness. To outsiders it was a romantic gesture to spend more time together while he took care of me. Well shit. As soon as Trowa helped me to climb in front of Heero, who of course took the reins, I leaned on him. It make it look like an embrace, but I’m sure Heero could notice how fucking tense I was. As soon as we were far enough from the rest of the group and the staff that prepared the lunch and now had to take everything back home (poor people), Heero put his chin on my shoulder. It made us look even closer, but it also made easier for him to speak to me without a possible camera or mike knowing what the hell we were saying. 

‘D. what’s going on?’, the use of D. instead of Maxwell surprised me, but it made sense. It was a middle ground way of approaching me without blowing our cover. 

‘Nothing love, just… more tired than I thought. Sorry to make you miss the hill walking’, Heero grunted to my obvious Donovan attitude. 

‘Maxwell,’ my comm. jumped to life, Wufei’s voice resonating in my ear, and I fucking jerked. Heero steadied me and frowned at me. I’m so making a fool of myself. ‘Yuy is right. Barton and Winner have also made a few comments about it. You are awfully quiet. Your comm. is the one giving me less feedback. What’s going on?’ I hid my face in Heero’s neck, which allowed me to speak to both him and Wufei without being evident from the outside. 

‘I acted all shy yesterday with my falling in the tennis court and all. Couldn’t be a ton of personality today. Donovan will have to be timid and withdrawn the rest of the mission. It’d be weird otherwise, unless we want him to be on medication or something. Besides, I got us a perfect chance to be alone in the house.’ Despite how silent Wufei had been so far I heard him sigh. 

‘Makes sense, just don’t suddenly change attitudes without informing us. We started to think something was wrong.’ He said. 

‘Not like I had many chances to have a talk about it, did I?’ 

‘Next time remember I’m in the other end of the comm. you just have to talk to yourself in the shower or something and I can pass the message.’

‘True, will keep that in mind. How come you haven’t said anything about Heero talking so freaking much?’ I tried to joke. 

‘Because I’m being professional about this undercover mission,’ Heero said. ‘Unlike you.’ His words burned like acid and twisted at my heart. Without thinking I distanced myself from him and leaned forward, hugging the horse, using his animal smell to bring me back to reality. I didn’t answer Heero’s comment, or when Wufei, given a few minutes, called my name again. I was being unprofessional. For once, I could not get angry about it, I couldn’t even defend myself. I kept myself away from Heero and glued to the horse as much as I could. Until I felt my body heat was even more annoying to it than walking two people could be, until Heero tried to reach for me again. I whispered a plea to the horse and managed to make him stop. 

‘The horse is tired, and I think it’d do some good to my ankle to move it a bit. I can walk slowly to the house from here. We are almost there anyway.’ Before Heero could say something I was already getting down. Purposefully using my other feet to land. Heero directed me a stare that was intended to read me. But I just looked at the horse, and was surprised when Heero landed next to me as well. He grabbed the reins with his left and my hand with his right. We started our slow way back. I could only feel his cold hand, and its coldness expanding to the rest of me. 

Once we arrived I went straight to our room. Heero took a small detour to make sure the horse was taken back to the right place. By the time he got to our room I already had our tiny cameras and mikes detectors out and I had found two cameras in the main area. This was like some fancy ass hotel, so our room had the section with the bed, no cameras there, though there was a mike. The section to receive visitors, where the two cameras with their respective mikes were located, and the toilet. The only place that could grant us some privacy. 

We justified the time in our room by changing our clothing and making sounds like we were enjoying ourselves a bit too much, but without properly fucking. Then we decided to go to the library. It has been expressly told to all the guests that we could use it whenever we wanted. On the way we identified at least two more cameras per hallway. There was definitely something going on in this place. What normal house, even rich mansions, had so many cameras? inside? At least we didn’t think to be under suspicion. I mean, no more than everyone else. The most private spaces kept being private, and the halls had cameras that recorded just everyone. It was safe to assume all rooms had the same surveillance. 

Once in the library we discovered a lot more cameras. This time there were no hidden spots. Which I guess was just fine. I mean, you could perhaps expect your guests to fuck in your library, but they shouldn’t be doing it anyway. So it was kind of a grey area. Heero and I grabbed a book each, and wrote our names in a notepad left exactly for that purpose. Then we walked back to our room. On the way back we set our own tiny almost undetectable mikes. Wufei would be receiving the data and helping us figure out a way to reach the room and the office of our hosts, the places where it was more likely to find some stuff that could actually lead us to some evidence. 

Back in our room we sat comfortably together in the big couch of the main area. Mi back leaning against Heero’s side, each one with our books. Every now and then Heero would do something sweet, rubbing his cheek against my hair, intertwining our fingers, or simply unnecessarily touch me. I tried to do some of it to. At least I managed to smile back at him whenever he did any of those things. 

‘Feeling better?’ He asked after a while. 

‘Well, my ankle hasn’t been bugging me.’ I said with a grin. 

‘But you are a bit pale, and didn’t eat much at lunch.’

‘Perhaps I should take another nap?’ I wondered out loud. Heero accommodated his body so I could rest on his lap. His hand rested against my head, softly caressing around my braid. It was a bold move. I tensed so much that Heero’s hand froze. I took a deep breath. If he was my boyfriend, in theory, I’d allow him to touch my hair, especially if we weren’t soldiers traumatized by our lives, especially if I trusted his feelings. I forced my body to relax and Heero resumed what he was doing. A few minutes later though, he started working on the tension in my shoulders. After about 10 minutes of that, I was able to fall asleep. 

I don’t know how long I slept, but somehow I managed to be out of this world despite being in the middle of a mission, in an unfamiliar place, and with Heero whispering to Wufei. I only woke up when Quatre and Trowa came into our room. Quatre’s concerned glance told me they were going to check on me. 

‘Were you sleeping?’ He asked as soon as he entered, meeting my eyes. I nodded groggily. ‘How was the walk in the hills?’ I asked back. I didn’t intend on deepen in my taking a nap for two days in a row. 

‘It was very nice. It was easy enough but had some challenge as well, and the view was amazing.’ Quatre kneeled in front of me. ‘Donovan, are you alright? You have me a little worried. True, you are not the centre of attention, but you seem a bit out of spirit.’

‘I’m fine Quatre, just a bit tired. I guess I’ve been overdoing it with work and now that I finally took some holidays, it is catching up with me. Too bad that it happened at the same time we get to meet new people. At least they’ll notice Hiro is funny and interesting and bear with me.’ Despite I was saying all of this to justify Donovan’s attitude, I surprised myself feeling kind of like that, like I had nothing to offer but the people around me had, as if that allowed me to stay around. What the hell with all these depressive thoughts? And more importantly. Why now? Not the freaking time Maxwell. 

‘Donovan?’ Quatre asked, I guess he got my depressive mood. 

‘Don’t mind me.’ I said while forcing my body up, and away from both of them. ‘Is it dinner time already?’ I asked instead, walking to the toilet. 

‘Yeah…’ Quatre said, and seemed a bit lost. I guess he couldn’t quite tell if I was acting or not, or he was a damn fine actor beyond the high skills I already know he has. Perhaps that was it. Everyone was acting so fucking well, but two of my friends were being their normal public persona, which unbalanced me. Though it hadn’t happened before. But it is not so common to be undercover next to two friends that are not really on the same boat. 

‘I’ll go and wash my face. Be back in a minute.’ I said, before closing the door, leaning softly on it. 

‘Maxwell…’ Wufei’s voice startled me for the second time this day. I hummed to let him know I was listening. ‘If you are just acting, now is a good moment to let me know. But if something is going on with you, we need to know.’ 

‘No need to worry so much,’ I muttered tiredly and walked towards the sink, looking into my own eyes. ‘Donovan, you are a complicated piece of work, but you are among other people and should chill out a bit.’ I used Donovan’s name on purpose, it looked like some motivation talk in front of the mirror in case we had missed a camera or something. Also, the use of Donovan’s name and associating it to a complicated person could make the guys think that I had overdone it with this getting into character kind of thing. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it was annoying, a bit unpredictable, but a zillion times better than me being unprofessional and something actually being wrong. 

‘Fine,’ Wufei replied. ‘I will let everyone know that you are playing complicated. But if at some point something happens or changes or you don’t feel up to it, you talk to me Duo.’ The use of my name was a message on itself. Well shit. Way to go Maxwell, way to go. 

-o-

At dinner I did my best to try and eat some more, though I was hardly hungry. Oddly, I was still sleepy. I also played my part as sad for having missed the trip and asked quite a few questions to Luke who was next to me. He seemed to be particularly interested in engaging with me. Though I had noticed that he wasn’t as much of an extrovert as Shawn. Perhaps he understood Donovan a bit better. Perhaps they just divided responsibilities as hosts. Heero was also a bit more subdued but still actively participating in the general conversation. Shawn was doing a great job keeping all the other couples entertained. Only Thomas, another of the guests, joined our small talk. He also seemed quite nice, easy to please, and a bit shy. He wasn’t fond of openly participating in the group talk, just like Donovan felt. It was kind of sad to have to consider him a possible suspect as well. After all, we had no idea who was really behind the rebels in L8. Moreover, if Shawn and Luke were behind them, they could still have accomplices. 

So I fell into regular random talk. It was easy to notice they were quiet people. It seemed to me that the relationship between Luke and Shawn wasn’t so different to the one Heero and I were portraying. We were interrupted in more than one occasion by the loud round of laughter that came from the other side of the table, and each time Luke would smile softly and continue just as if nothing had happened. I discovered then his love for Shawn was deep and somehow, it hurt him a bit. I realized quickly I needed to exploit that connection, it could be our entrance point. Heero could deal with Shawn, but Luke was my job. Thus, I dedicated to learn a bit more about what we had in common, and to create elements in common. At the end of that night, it was thanks to him I discovered where Shawn’s office was, and how to access it. But when Wufei whispered ‘good job’ to me, once I was brushing my teeth before bed, I just felt like utter shit. 

That night Heero also approached me, this time when I was looking through the window in the big common space of our room. He came behind me and made a noise I’m certain was to alert me. He had noticed already I was a bit jumpy. Then, he hugged me from behind. 

‘You seemed to be having fun at dinner’, he teased.

‘Yeah, Luke is very nice, and we have a few things in common. You know I’m better with one-to-one or small group talk than facing a big group.’ 

‘I know, I’m glad you found someone you feel more comfortable talking to in Luke. They are very nice people.’ I nodded.

‘Luke seems to be someone who understands a lot. I like that, I feel I can be a bit more myself.’ I stopped myself cold, and felt Heero tense at the same time. That had been an unnecessary comment and could have many implications. It took Heero about a second to relax again, kissing me softly in the neck, and adding. ‘That’s good babe.’ Before inviting me to bed. 

The night ritual was repeated, kissing sounds, moaning sounds, this time we added bed rocking sounds too. we couldn’t talk about sex this much and not appear to be doing it, on holidays, being supposedly fine and shit. I made a contented sound, Heero made a contented grunt. And he rolled to his side again, away from me. 

‘Maxwell?’, I felt Wufei’s ask. I hummed. ‘What did you mean with that comment about being a bit more of yourself?’ 

‘Nothing babe’, I muttered, ‘just small talk.’ I rolled again and pretended to be deep asleep. Wufei didn’t ask again.


	3. Day 3

I woke up alone in bed. I could hear the shower running. So Heero had avoided the couple shit this morning by getting up earlier than me, smart boy. We had supposedly done it last night anyway. The thought tore at me. I’m a fucking mountain of contradictions. I both want and run away from his touch and his words. They hurt me for being a lie, but I'm also pained by the way the real Heero Yuy treats me, fuck, even the way he looks at me. I wanted this to be real just as much as I didn't want it to be, because the man next to me, Hiro, was not Heero and... oh shit, I was a freaking mess. By the time he came out of the water I’d managed to mask the hurt and had gathered my clothing. He did the whole ‘didn’t want to wake you’, and pick in the lips and shit. I smiled and highlighted how fucking thoughtful he fucking was, and I locked myself in the goddamn bathroom. I was supposed to shower as well. By the time I came out, Heero was hurrying me to go for breakfast. Well, seems he cannot get far away from me any faster, lovely. 

Well, today we had to find a way to get into Shawn’s office anyway, together or separate, it didn’t really matter. I was certain Heero could keep the acting when it had to be kept, I didn’t need to worry about him, that’s for sure. He grabbed my hand and without a word took me to the dining room. I just followed, trying to look like everything was just fine. 

‘How are you feeling today Donovan?’ Shawn greeted us. This was the third day of our holidays, true, I’d promised a tennis match if I was doing fine. I grinned mischievously at him and softly stepped on my supposedly bad foot, which was of course in perfect state by now. 

‘I think I can manage, you brave enough?’ I challenged, his surprise by my suddenly bold attitude was quickly replaced by boisterous laughter. Luke came closer then. 

‘Told you he is funny when you don’t force him to be the centre of attention.’ I smiled shyly to Luke’s comment but he just winked an eye at me. He was making things easier for me, and damn but I needed to go behind the back of this person and find out what the hell was going on in this house. 

‘What do you say Hiro?’ I turned to my partner, who was glancing at me oddly. 

‘You sure you are up to it babe? I don’t want you to be tired, hurt and frustrated at the end of the game if we don’t manage to defeat them because your ankle starts hurting again.’

‘Darling, I assure you I could play tennis and then hide and seek in the whole house with my ankle being just fine. I feel good today.’

‘Hide and seek?’ Luke echoed, laughing. We had talked last night about his making out with Shawn starting in an adolescent game of hide and seek. He was fond of those memories, of the thrill he could relive through them. I had given him a similar story, but inside the house. I saw he linked our talk to my joke. ‘What about this, then,’ he started, as I had suspected he’d do. I hadn’t totally lost my touch, I guess. ‘If we win, we’ll have to play hide and seek inside the house, the weather outside is not so great today. And if we lose, you chose the activity for this afternoon.’ Shawn practically shone with the challenge, a bet, an opportunity to do silly things, perhaps to remember how he and Luke had started their relationship. Heero smiled, and I saw understanding click. 

‘Fine, but I’ll make sure you regret losing, because I haven’t played hide and seek in years.’ 

‘Well, it is always good to remember those things.’ Luke muttered, grinning at me. I blushed and looked away. Heero looked between us for a couple of second before blurting. ‘You told him.’ Luke openly laughed then. After that, the teasing was merciless. But we had our chance. We just needed to hide in Shawn’s office with our sweet toys to detect the threat and surveillance levels. 

I will spare you the tennis match in detail. Suffice to say we played hard, everyone was there as an audience, I started limping closer to the end (fake limping of course). Heero tried to make me stop and I snapped a bit at him, just to give credibility to the whole losing the game and slightly competitive couple on our end too. We lost by a very small margin. I refused the need of ice and accepted defeat. The hide and seek game was scheduled after dinner, so it was dark. We had enough time to prepare while ‘resting’ in our room after such a tough game. Wufei made sure to confirm my limping was a hundred percent fake as soon as I stepped into the shower. I’m certain he spread the message because Heero stopped fussing so much about it after I came out of the bathroom. By dinner time, we were ready, we had all devices we could possibly need hidden in our belts, pockets, my hair and fucking everywhere. Wufei’d have to be fully focused on our four communicators. We weren’t expecting Quatre and Trowa to infiltrate, but they’d be helping to make sure we weren’t discovered. The information they could give to Wufei about others’ whereabouts was essential. 

As Heero and I had lost, one of us had to be the one looking for everyone else. We had decided on me doing it. Despite the me ‘limping’ this afternoon could make an easy excuse for Heero to go walking around the house, I’d been the one who discovered where Shawn’s office was. Probably Luke wouldn’t remember he gave me enough information to discover the exact door, or that I’d remember it later on, or whatever. People normally don’t pay so much attention to those things. But, if Luke and Shawn were directing a criminal organization, they may be more conscious of what they share and with whom. It was better for Heero to get into the office. They had never heard us talk about that in any of their mikes anyway. It’d be easy to pass as a coincidence, unless they suspected of us. 

So I stayed in the dining room while everyone else ran around the house. I had to make sure to give Heero enough time to check Shawn’s office, first for cameras and mikes, and then in case there was some evidence. So I used the time wisely to walk in the opposite direction of the house. It wasn’t long until I found Shane and Will. They had basically taken the chance to make out in the kitchen table. I’m certain they were slightly drunk. The next person I found was Thomas, who had hidden in the library and if it wasn’t because I’m damn fast, his boyfriend would have managed to made a run and be out of danger. Now it was only down to Trowa and Quatre, who I had no hurry to find, Shawn and Luke, who I also had no hurry to find, and Heero, who needed more time. I set on Luke and Quatre first. Quatre could use his diplomacy to keep everyone entertained, and Luke wasn’t as straightforward as Shawn, so he wouldn’t be leaving the guests alone unless previously agreed. Besides, not sure why, I felt reluctant to consider Luke a suspect. It was with regret that I noticed he was growing on me. 

Following the set order, I went to the hiding place Quatre had informed us using his comm. Then, Trowa clued me in about Luke’s whereabouts. Good I got no issues with cheating, because this was the most arranged game of hide and seek ever. Just as I walked Luke to the main area where all my other victims were, Heero told me he was done. Trowa used the chance to make his own run. I was down to only two. I had no idea about Shawn’s location, but I went for him first. It’d be odd to be looking for someone in his office. As soon as I told Heero I was pretty much in the opposite side of the mansion, he started walking back to the dining room, hiding in plenty different spots along the way. In the cameras, he’d probably look playful and having a bit too much fun. He did his run and beat me too. Shawn was the only one left now, and I knew for a fact that he enjoyed the competition. I surprised myself having some fun as well. I wanted to find him. 

I think that was the most entertaining moment I spent in that week. I was alone, and it was expected of me to be silent. I was allowed to go wondering in every single room of that damned house, finding surprise after surprise with all the unnecessary luxuries, and most of all, I didn’t have to pretend. I was chasing an enemy. Even better, I only had to find him, not to kill him, not to stop him. There wouldn’t be blood, there wouldn’t be fake promises, pet names, or anything like that. It took me 20 more minutes to find him, and we honestly raced to the dining room. When I beat him, for a moment, I felt great. I guess that was the thrill Luke was talking about. I’d never actually played hide and seek, when I was a child it was a survival mechanism. Even better, beating Shawn at something had done a lot of good to his opinion of me. He’d noticed how close we had been in the tennis match, I guess he just wanted confirmation we hadn’t allowed him to win. We had, but we are better actors than that, well, Heero is, and I’m most of the time, even though right now I’m not at my best. 

Then, it was Shawn’s turn to look for us. This time, we didn’t need to go to his office, so it was better to find a different place to hide. Unexpectedly, Heero grabbed me and took me into hiding with him, whispering, loud enough for the mikes in the hallways to hear, that he’d found a very good hiding place in the previous round. It made sense I guess, and more than that, I assumed he wanted to discuss something. Truth be told, he had found a sweet location, unless Shawn used his cameras, it’d be hard for him to find us, and that’d give credibility to the silly story I’d told Luke the previous night. Even better, this hiding place was far from any mikes and in a blind spot for the cameras. We could actually talk about what Heero had found. 

He handed me the tiny camera we brought for this mission, and I was able to see it myself. There was enough evidence in the accounting books and some partially hidden printed files to demonstrate he was somewhat involved. How involved? Well, our next step was to discover exactly that. Heero informed me the laptop in Shawn’s office was well protected, without the password we’ll need way more time to hack our way in. Specially because the damn thing wasn’t connected to the same wireless connection we were all using. Smart guy indeed. We had no idea if Luke was part of it or not, the handwriting Heero had seen was all Shawn’s, and there was no mention of Luke anywhere. I felt unease again. But any other thoughts disappeared when we felt a noise. Someone was approaching us, and before I could notice what was going on Heero’s lips were on mine, his hands roaming as those of a passionate lover. I froze, shocked. I ached. I tried to make myself engage and kiss and roam back, but I couldn’t. Because as good as Heero’s acting is for outsiders, I could feel it, his lips were cold and stiff against me, I felt nothing but duty coming from him, and a kiss that’d mean a lot more to me, suddenly felt like taking advantage of him. 

The giggles of Luke were our signal to act startled and look around. He kept laughing in hushed tones for a while, but eventually he calmed down and apologized, explaining how he’d been almost caught by Shawn and had run to find a new hiding place, finding us in the process. Following a childish hunch, and probably trying to escape from facing that damned mission kiss with Heero I grabbed their hands and led them in a quest to find a new, better and bigger hiding spot. After 15 minutes of walking around the house speaking in fake military code Luke and I couldn’t take it anymore and started openly laughing. Heero joined us after a second, probably trying to read the situation and the most appropriate behaviour. Shawn found us quick after that, but by then Luke had tears of silly laughter running down his cheeks and we decided it was better to stop the game and go to bed. Luke just took the extra time to whisper to me that apparently remembering or youth games of hide and seek had put everyone in the house quite horny and it was better to take the chance of some great sex now that it was openly on the table. I blushed and giggled and when Heero asked what was going on I acted guilty enough for Luke to laugh some more, but inside I felt no cheerfulness at all. It was as if I’d suddenly swallowed something very bitter, something that made the sorrow I’d managed to forget with the game to come back full force. 

Heero and I continued with the acting all the way to our room, leaning against each other, touching, whispering, giggling, and locking the door in a hurry. We left some clothing spread in the area visible by the cameras and Heero pretended to hug me and kiss my neck against the door. He grabbed my hand and led me to the bed. Once there we made all the pertinent noises, and eventually, with a grunt that sent shivers to my groin, Heero let his body fall hard against the bed. I felt like crying. So while Heero turned to his side of the bed and fell asleep, I just sat in the floor, my back against the bed, and looked at the night.


	4. day 4

I’m not sure how, but the day found me in the same position, sitting in the floor against the bed and looking outside. Some part of me noticed the change towards daylight, but it wasn’t enough to make my brain understand it was time to continue with this. My heart was pounding hard, in time with the raging headache I’d developed by constantly reminding myself that I must not, under any circumstance, cry. I had to bit back a groan every time I recalled all the ‘boyfriend’ things Heero had been doing these days, and had to permanently remind me it meant nothing. My love was only mine, and it was fucking out of place in this damned mission. 

A noise startled me and I turned my head to see Heero seated in the bed and looking at me intently. ‘Morning,’ I said cheerfully. ‘How did you sleep?’

‘After last night?’ he asked with a husky voice. ‘Like a baby. When did you woke up? I didn’t feel you.’

‘A while ago.’ I muttered, and I saw in his eyes that he understood I never went to bed at all. But I didn’t allow him to ask anything. I couldn’t stand his inquisitive eyes that didn’t care for me at all. I stood, I guess abruptly because something in my reaction seemed to surprise him. ‘I’ll be showering first, I reek after last night’s fun. See you in a bit, babe.’ I couldn’t disappear behind the safety of the bathroom fast enough. I was only glad Wufei had been sleeping and he hadn’t realized one of us wasn’t. 

Heero was ready to get in the shower once I finished, and he gave me a soft squeeze and a peck in the cheek to keep the lovers’ bliss charade. Then I walked away from the damned cameras and sat in the bed. I grabbed a book and even though my eyes were locked in the landscape outside, my hands remembered to turn pages every now and then. I’d be weird for a happy boyfriend on holidays to be perfectly still and silent for over 10 to 20 minutes, depending on how much Heero wanted to share with Wufei in his shower. 

Today we had to try to find more evidence, perhaps to figure out Shawn’s password or find a way to hack in without being detected or suspected. And I knew I should be concerned about that. But somehow I was a bit distracted thinking about what couples’ things I’d be doing today, and why the fuck I freeze so badly and I can’t do shit to take on from Heero’s acting. Is it because I’m uncomfortable with him touching me? Not really, we have been touching for working reasons since we met. After all, at war time, your comrades are your only option to tender your wounds more often than not. In fact, I used to touch Heero all the time until I was brushed off enough to feel hurt about it. Was that it? I was conditioned to feel hurt and thus repelled his touch? Don’t think so. I mean, I’m not that hard to traumatize I suppose, after the plague, the church and the war I have my share of trauma. But I doubt I was sort of conditioned to act this way to Heero’s touch.

What is it then? Do I hate this boyfriend Hiro touching me? He is so different from Heero that I could feel I’m kind of cheating on him. But come on. I’m most certainly not in a relationship with Heero. I’d be beyond fucked up if I felt I was cheating on him somehow. I’ve slept with other people for fucks’ sake, and never even gave second thoughts to it. 

Is it because I have issues against being treated with care and tenderness? I’m not a masochistic person, well, not all that much. I mean, I don’t go back to L2 unless I cannot help it. So I don’t think I want to be treated roughly. Is it because I crave that level of love and affection instead? Well, I’m not fond of public affection, and I don’t like cheesiness. I want Heero to love me the way I love him, but I don’t need this rich high school sweethearts shit. 

It downed on me then that it confused me. I was receiving affection of the person I love in a way that implied the romantic and sexual desires I have for him. But I was receiving them in a fake setting, it was a lie, and more than that, it was in the shape of a character so different from the real Heero Yuy that it upset my feelings for him. It made me question if I’m the kind of person who’d love a lie, and the kind of person who only loves a body. Because after all, how does it make sense that I love Heero if he doesn’t do shit for me? Sure, he is better than he was in the past and doesn’t despise me or treat me cruelly, but he is not nice either. We are not even close or really friends. We just know each other, are good figuring out patterns of behaviour and work well together. We get along, he considers me a bit more than he’d do with strangers, but he will never let me be close and he will shut down my feelings and actions, dismiss my assets and fucking criticize most of what I do and how I do it. Then why the fuck do I love him? And why the hell don’t I desperately love this renewed version of him? And more importantly? Does it matter how I feel? Neither Heero nor Hiro love me. I felt something inside me break at that thought, an agonizing pain expanded freaking everywhere. 

I must have made a sound because the next thing I knew Heero was in front of me, his hands grabbing my shoulders. ‘What’s wrong?’ He asked, and I heard his training, I heard the need to perform up to a hundred in the mission, but I didn’t hear any interest in me. I gathered all my strength and blinked the pain in my eyes away, turning a cheerful smile towards him. ‘Sorry, got to caught up in this book.’ Before he could call me up on it, I stood and walked to the surveilled area. ‘God I’m starving,’ I added for good measure. ‘Ready for breakfast?’ He frowned at me and I saw his fists clench, but there was nothing he could do now. I won’t get to hear how I’m not soldier material, and how he needs to be in full knowledge and control of every aspect of this mission, because I am not his damned mission. I didn’t give him the chance to stop me and walked out, knowing he’d follow me and grab my hand to continue together, because that’s what Hiro would do. 

Breakfast was a quiet affair. I guess everyone was more relaxed after last night’s game, and most likely sex. Hence, we decided it was better to just enjoy a relaxing day. We went swimming, played board games, watched a movie, and just simply talked about different random stuff. I was able to keep myself more focused this time because couples were separated for the games. Hence, I was in a different group than Heero. Even better, I was with Quatre, who even if he heard anything from my partner about my non sleeping and whatever the hell Heero noticed that morning in the room, he wouldn’t say shit in front of our enemies. Quite the opposite, he’d try to make it seem like there’s nothing to worry about, nothing to talk about. Not like Trowa would address the issue either. But he’d be around in that protective way he has when he is concerned, and I couldn’t take that now. I was also happy to be around Luke, who seemed to make things easier for me, the same as Thomas. Shane was irrelevant to me. I mean, he was a nice guy, but we hadn’t really enjoyed much time together. 

The day could have gone ok if it had stopped there. I could have pretended my almost break down this morning didn’t happen and just avoided Heero until he noticed we wouldn’t be having this conversation, but my luck, as always, sucks. Shawn decided that after such a quiet afternoon we needed a bit of mischievous fun. He suggested a drinking game. Sure, it was fairly innocent. These guys wouldn’t survive an hour with the sweepers. But still, I wasn’t comfortable. Or I’d have to twist reality a great fucking deal to avoid lying, or I was going to end up doing things I just didn’t want to. It was a dare game, so it could go all the way to fucked up depending on the minds of those deciding the dares. To my dread, most of the dares were doing couples’ stuff. 

Still, I could have survived the game just fine, until Shawn’s decided Hero and I were too shy in our relationship and that I, in particular, was not open and enthusiastic enough about our love. He dared Heero to act the moment he confessed to me. I remembered the story we had created well enough to know what it implied. Yet, when he grabbed me and kissed me, properly kissed me, tongue and all, it caught me by surprise. His kiss was fierce, intense, abrupt and burned me. It left me with no air in my lungs and desperate for more. He pressed our foreheads together and said he couldn’t hide it anymore, and he’d been getting hints from me. Then he put as much intensity as he could master in his beautiful eyes and said he loved me, and the fire of his kiss left me, ripping everything in his way out. I gasped in pain, and it was damned obvious. To try to dismiss the situation I hugged him, desperately. He tried to kiss me again, but I excused myself and went outside. I couldn’t keep playing this game.

I stayed outside for a long time, the cold wind pulled some strands out of my braid, my skin froze and I started to shiver. But instead of going inside I just hugged myself, trying to keep as much heat as possible. I couldn’t keep doing this anymore, yet I couldn’t fail the mission. My goddamned feelings could be the cause for many to die, all because I wasn’t able to control my emotions, I wasn’t a soldier capable of performing my role in this particular undercover. How I wished I had been partnered with Wufei, or he had with Heero, or I’d been with anyone else. I berated myself all my failures these past few days. Every single one of them playing behind my closed eyelids. Wufei, who had insistently called my name after I left the game, had already stopped trying to make me engage in a conversation. I couldn’t do that either. 

‘Donovan?’ The hesitant voice startled me. Shit, I hadn’t heard Luke coming. I tensed and took a deep breathe before being able to even acknowledge his presence.

‘Yes?’ My voice wavered. Good. I guess that’s exactly how it was supposed to be. Donovan was pretty fucked up after all. Duo Maxwell doesn’t waver, doesn’t falter, doesn’t feel like fucking crying. But Donovan does. He can do it for the both of us. 

‘Is everything alright?’ He sounded so concerned. Why? Why had he to be a suspect? We had evidence against Shawn already, it was so unlikely he knew nothing, and even if he was totally innocent, I was still about to put a damn long knife in his back. 

‘Yeah, just needed a small break.’ I added some more presence to my voice, and it gave him the trust to approach me. 

‘Is everything alright between you and Hiro?’ He asked while stopping next to me. 

‘Don’t know,’ I sighed. The only way of making Donovan credible was to vent issues with Heero now, perhaps to admit to be depressed, be doubtful. I had been tensing, avoiding him and spacing out the whole mission so far, and he had been following me, concerned about me, directing me odd glances, and so had Quatre and Trowa who were supposed to know us better. 

‘Want to talk about it?’ I glanced at him, he looked really concerned and willing to help. Perhaps it was the perfect chance to build trust. It was the best strategy for the mission. But fuck me if I didn’t feel like an utter piece of shit for using it against him. This wasn’t like the low life thugs I usually met in my undercover ops. I mean, they were people just as well, and they had tougher lives than Luke, many of them were really nice people trapped in shitty situations. But being there with them I got to see the killing, their violence, I usually ended hating the most violent ones, those who actually enjoyed harming others. I could at least look up to that, and then I could make sure those who had just been trapped in this situation could have other opportunities, other options, the chance for a better life. Usually Quatre helped me on that one. But here? Here I was looking at a couple I could destroy, people who seemed to love each other, and god but I knew how precious that was. I didn’t have the violence to see the consequences of their money. Although if I closed my eyes I could see that as well. That’s what I needed to do, I needed to focus on what I knew lied in the other side.

‘I don’t know. It’s complicated… god, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.’ 

‘Has he done anything…?’ He asked, I guess trying to unwind me. 

‘No… not really, and that just makes things more complicated. I don’t even know how to explain…’ I halted, he gave me a knowingly look. Apparently I wasn’t the only one with “troubles in paradise”. 

‘Sometimes it is hard, isn’t it? To love someone so much, yet… it’s not always enough. Sometimes it feels like they slip through our fingers, and you doubt and you question, but at the end it all seems to be ghosts in your head, and you feel awful for failing him… Sometimes you want to be able to make them see, feel, how it burns you, to fuse with their skins… and sometimes you just want to be away because it hurts so much…’

‘How…?’ I turned to him, shocked, how could he explain so easily something so fucking… complicated? How, if he was talking about his own experience, could he hit so close? To Donovan, and to me, Duo, he was talking to both of us, even if he wasn’t aware of it. 

‘What I’ve seen in your eyes these days is the same I see in mine every now and then. I’m just a better actor,’ he sighed. ‘It is also probably related to timing. You two started a relationship at 15, you were kids. Your whole identity is based on your love for him, and as lovely Hiro is, he has a strong personality. He is sweet, but…’ his voice softened. ‘I may be wrong,’ he warned. ‘But it seems to me that he is his first concern. He can dedicate to you all the extra time and energy because in his life everything is working perfectly. But I don’t know…’ He stopped again. ‘I guess it just hurts to be the one who loves the most, not to be able to imagine your life without him and be so sure he’ll do just fine without you.’ 

‘Is there any hope?’ I asked half-broken. 

‘Hold onto the good days, those it seems you are the world to him. I’ve been depressed a few times, but he is always there and I always find my balance again. I know he loves me. It is just that we feel it in different ways. I guess with Hiro must be the same. Don’t let the bad thoughts control you. Talk to him. Otherwise you may end up doing very regrettable things.’ He finished in a whisper and my eyes widened in shock, glancing to his exposed wrists. He gave me a tiny smile. ‘I used poison. I was too vain to leave any trace in my body. That’s what saved me in the end. A bullet would have been so much faster.’ 

‘I’ll keep your advice in mind.’ I muttered darkly and he turned to me almost panicked before turning to a mild glare, punching me in the arm. 

‘You have a very dark sense of humor.’ He stated. I laughed bitterly. 

‘Well, Hiro is all sweetness and sunshine, I needed to have something that made me special.’ He chuckled at my nonsensical comment. It helped me to feel better that this time, my statement was a bit far from reality. 

‘Was your family also fucked up?’ His eyes told me what should be my answer.

‘What rich family at war time isn’t fucked up? But yeah, I guess mine was a bit towards the bad end of the spectrum.’ He patted my back in commiseration, I could well imagine how his family was. 

‘Where are they now?’

‘Mostly dead. That’s why I get to have so much money being so young.’ He nodded in understanding. I remembered his story was quite similar to that, he’d been kidnapped a few times as a child for other family members who wanted his dad’s money. 

‘You were also kidnapped?’ He looked at me intently, I guess trying to find more elements to connect. I guess he’d never met another rich and happy boyfriend not really being all that happy. God, if he wasn’t involved the guilt was going to chase me forever. 

‘Luckily I wasn’t, but there were quite a few adults around me that wanted much more of what a kid could even want to give to them. I barely escaped more than once. I had a cousin who was always rescuing me.’ 

‘It messes up with how you understand the world, doesn’t it?’ He said, implying he understood me too well. 

‘It brings some trust issues, yeah.’ I replied. What was with this guy that could talk to both Duo and Donovan at the same time? That made both of us answer to him? A sound startled us, and we turned to our left just in time to see an owl hunting. 

‘We have plenty of those here,’ he said conversationally. ‘There’s a reservoir for them in the woods around the property. This house used to belong to Shawn’s grandmother and she was very fond of them.’ His tone told me he wasn’t so approving. 

‘You don’t like them?’

‘I don’t like the bodies they leave behind sometimes. The same happens to me with cats. I don’t deal well with corpses of any kind. But they need the reservoir, and Shawn loves them, I guess despite how complex his relationship with his grandma was, he inherited that from her together with this house and the company.’ 

‘They didn’t get along?’

‘I don’t know, it’s weird. Sometimes I think he hated her, sometimes that she was the only woman he ever loved.’ Something clicked then. I sighed and yawned, pretending to be tired. It was probably believable anyways. I hadn’t slept at all the previous night and being outside in the cold I was paler than usual. My blue lips matched the blue bags under my eyes. 

‘I’m sorry I worried you,’ I said with a soft voice, and gave him a tiny smile. It almost shocked me to realize I was really smiling at him. That tiny little thing? That was my real smile. I tried not to delve in what it could mean. He smiled back at me, and we went back inside. ‘Hiro is waiting in your room.’ He said before walking towards his. I’d been outside long enough for the game to end and everyone to decide it was time to go to bed. I’d have to mask this well, or they wouldn’t leave me alone. 

Once I walked through our door I stopped in the empty common space, giving Heero the time to come and find me. I looked pointedly at him, caressed the side of his face and continued my way to our balcony. There weren’t mikes out there, and if we spoke low enough, we should be safe. He, as expected, followed me, closing the glass door behind. We leaned with our elbows in the railing, so the cameras inside only saw out backs. Only then I gave him a smirk, and I whispered for him and Wufei at the same time. ‘I think I figured out the password.’ I made sure the smirk was audible as well. 

‘How?’ Heero asked surprised, I guess he wasn’t expecting me to talk about the mission right now. 

‘Well, Luke went after me when I left the game. In that context talk becomes kind of personal, and that’s when you can discover a lot about other people.’ He looked at me, waiting for an explanation, I waited until Wufei also asked for it, just to be sure I was saying things just once. ‘It always called my attention that Shawn uses his mother last name. So I looked at it before the mission and realized his mum had done the same, used her own mother’s last name. The name of that woman is also in the owls’ reservoir within the property. Shawn inherited his business, his money, his name and this house, all from a woman he never talks about, and that Luke told me was a complicated relationship. I think in fact that woman was the most important emotional piece of Shawn’s growing up. I mean, afternoon tea is a thing in this house, and the china they use is fucking old. In one of the pictures you showed me of his office there’s a painting of an old woman and a kid. Now, both Shawn and his grandma love owls, even when Luke doesn’t like them so much. I figured they had pet names or a way of calling each other when Shawn was a kid, so I took a small detour on my way here. When we played hide and seek I found a playing room, filled with toys, I guessed it was the old playing room for when Shawn was a kid. In there I saw a desk that had the expression ‘little owl’ carved in french. So, if I’m guessing right… the password should be something along the lines of ‘old owl’ in french.’ Heero seemed stunned, but I figured only a proper explanation would get him to accept my logic after how I’ve behaved in this mission. More than that, the whole explanation could make me look less of a failure and all my actions more like acting. The doubtful and hesitant glint in his eyes disappeared and was replaced by determination.

‘We should try it tomorrow.’ I nodded, glancing at him. It was a mistake. The confidence I’d gathered by my discovery was shattered by the perfect soldier look in his eyes. There was appreciation there, but it was only to my usefulness in this mission, not any kind of pride or respect. I felt how chilled the air was, and my mind provided me a flashback of his damn hot kiss a few hours before. The real Heero Yuy was this soldier in front of me, cold, efficient, detached. There was passion in him, I knew there was, but it just wasn’t directed towards people. It wasn’t directed towards me. And tenderness, did he have that? I hoped he did, I hoped his training hadn’t killed that much of his humanity. I mean, he could pretend to care just fine. What if some day I saw all of that for real but towards someone else? ‘Coming to bed?’ He asked, stopping my mental rambling. It saddened how this meant something so different of what I wanted it to mean. 

‘In a while,’ I said. ‘Remember we just had a serious talk outside, and given Donovan’s personality, I’m not the guy who’d jump to hot sex after emotional turmoil. It is better if you get in, say you love me before closing the window again, and stay looking at me for a few seconds before going to bed.’ And so he did, exactly as I told him to do. I sighed, forgetting for a moment Wufei could hear it all. 

‘Maxwell?’ I hummed, to let him know I was listening. ‘I know we have gone through this before, but Donovan worried me this afternoon running away from that game, never answering to me. Are you ok? are you not going too much into character?’ 

‘I had no idea if there were mikes in that part of the house ‘Fei. I couldn’t risk it or we wouldn’t be in possession, perhaps, of the password we so badly need.’ 

‘Fine,’ he paused, but I knew he had something else to say. ‘Then, I apologize for mocking you for not being a responsible soldier in this mission. You are doing a great work. Donovan is extremely different from you yet it was the perfect reading to get closer to Luke, which is what has granted us all the access we have had so far. Good work’ And he disconnected. And I felt like utter shit. Here he is, trusting I’m doing great when I’m fucking drowning, my acting a pathetic version of what I know I can accomplish. Sure, I’ve been able to use the situation in my favour after all, but all the dark thoughts, the freezing, the silence, the shocked closing off or running away, that’s not fucking acting, that’s fucking me. Even worse. I guess that, at the end of the day, I am good with masks, because Wufei thinks that Donovan is almost my opposite, and shit but he is not. Sure, his life has a great deal of differences with mine, but Donovan is much more me than the Jester has ever been. 

That night I didn’t sleep either. I stayed there, in the balcony, until my body felt numb because of the cold, until my eyes closed on their own, until my brain stopped picturing how my life would be if I’d been Donovan, if I’d met Luke as a friend and not as someone who I’m going to betray, if I’d never fallen for Heero, if I’d never heard him say that lie in particular, that he loved me, or worse, that it was true, and he died, or it was true and we lived it, together. This time, I couldn’t stop a tear from rolling down and falling to the darkness beneath me.


	5. Day 5

I felt weakened by the time Heero opened the window and came to meet me again. He tried to touch me, I guess to avoid startling me before asking what the fuck was going on. Instead, I turned from his hand and walked inside, taking us to the protection of the cameras and mikes in the room. 

‘You never came to bed.’ Heero said, a saddened tone in his voice. Fake, all fake, I reminded myself. 

‘I needed to think some more.’ I said tiredly, giving him a sheepish smile. ‘Hug me?’ Duo, not Donovan, asked, and I berated myself for that moment of weakness. He did it of course. We are boyfriends going through a rough moment but we love each other and shit. But I felt as if I was using him and his need to perform properly in the mission, and let’s be honest, that’s exactly what I was doing. I was so cold and his arms were so warm that I felt like hiding in them and letting it all go, stop pretending I’m fine with all this and just have my damned break down. But I didn’t. I sighed contented and kissed him in the cheek. ‘Sorry I worried you. I feel better now.’ More like clearer, but it’ll do. 

‘Anytime babe,’ he said. ‘I just wish it was easier for you to talk to me about these things.’ 

‘I wished that too.’ I whispered, before taking some distance again and walking to the shower. I was so fucking cold. 

After we were ready, we left the room to have breakfast with everyone else, we kept the tense and kind of sad closeness between two people in love and in crisis at the same time. Heero was extra kind with me in front of the others and I made an effort to smile more and talk more. Shawn made sure to keep the attention away from us, and to keep the conversation light and focused in the present. I’m sure it was Luke’s doing, as he winked an eye at me when I greeted him that morning. Quatre and Trowa on the other hand kept directing me doubtful and concerned glances. I guess even if Wufei told them I was acting, they wouldn’t buy it until they talked to me, and I couldn’t blame them. They are more receptive and they have seen all this Donovan/Hiro drama from the first row. I’m just glad they have no idea I’m in love with Heero, or nothing could stop Quatre from fussing around me. 

That afternoon the activity was a walk to the owls’ reservoir. But Luke was staying at home, so I figured I could find a way to stay with him, and perhaps trick things enough (or just give him something to sleep) and have the time to check the password. We had agreed with Heero that it was better if I stayed with Luke at home, we were clearly closer, and he’d been around Shawn’s office once already. We just needed to make sure the password I’d figured worked, but that was Wufei’s job. In his previous trip to Shawn’s office, when we discovered he used a different signal for his computer and that it was password protected, Heero had set a network breaker. Wufei had access to the signal and, as long as the computer was powered, to the computer as well, only without the password accessing the machine was quite useless. 

I was in the middle of breakfast when Wufei told me he’d managed to get in at the second try. He couldn’t really check the content of the computer, but we had established the password worked. It was now my turn to make sure I could get to the damn thing, install the little programme we had designed for this mission, and send everything back to Wufei so he could properly scan it. I felt a pang of regret when I looked at Luke. If he wasn’t involved in this, I could well ruin his life forever. Guilt started eating at me then. He had been supporting me this whole week, he who had just met me, and fuck but my mission was to go behind his back. Would he be involved? Shawn seemed to be. Would I take Shawn away from him? I know for a fact that people are not all good or all bad. I’ve seen an awful lot of the bad side of people, so it is hard for me to trust and shit like that. But even if Shawn is behind killing lots of rebels for a reason as disgusting as money, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love Luke with all he is worth, or that he may be able to give his own life for Luke. However, this was the eternal dilemma of undercover missions. I’d faced this dilemma tons of times before. I wasn’t blind enough not to notice that I was experiencing it differently this time because it touched on my real feelings towards my real partner and fake boyfriend in a context that put at the centre the issue of couples relationship, love and… well, that kind of shit that I had spent years trying to avoid and block. At least I had the excuse of what had happened the previous night and I could use it for my job needs today, but that didn't change that when Luke looked at me and smiled at me I had trouble smiling back. Our shy interaction was caught by Trowa who directed questioning eyes towards me. In an effort to block his attempt of communication and grant myself a distraction I opened my big stupid mouth and mentioned that it looked as a great day to have a tennis match, how my ankle was fine now, and how stupid I’d been by hurrying the game a couple of days ago. I said to Thomas, who was next to me, but in voice loud enough for Shawn to hear, and that was all he needed to make another challenge. Heero only directed a scrutinizing glance in my direction before acting all boyfriend-like, worried about my ankle, willing to win this time, willing to build camaraderie in all ‘our crisis’. 

The tennis match was scheduled after the late lunch that would have place after the excursion to the owls reservoir. I had my excuse to rest and stay with Luke at home then. I could only thank whatever was helping me to make something good out of my mistakes and improvisation. Even better, Luke decided we should watch a movie, being both of us quiet and shy people, it seemed to be a suitable activity. I guess he also wanted to avoid forcing any kind of talk after the emotional display we had last night, perhaps he also felt a bit nervous about what I could ask. After all, he had confessed to me he had tried to kill himself in the past. So we went for a silly movie. I guess he also wanted to avoid any more dense feelings from both of us, and if I hadn’t been in a mission, I’d have agreed with him. We needed to have a chance to relax. Instead, he put the movie, and when he wasn’t looking, and after making sure the cameras in the room couldn’t record my actions, I added a few drops in his tea. He’d be out in about 30 minutes. 

I barely paid enough attention to the movie to remember what to say if someone asked. I also muttered the name so Wufei could read me the main points of any summary he found online. I learned the names of the characters and the location, and identified the plot easily, storing that information for later. Then, once Luke fell asleep I gave it a few minutes and then asked him something, acting all surprised that he was asleep. I waited some more. Finally, I grabbed a blanket, covered Luke with it and wrote in a notepad next to him that I was going to the toilet. I paused the movie as well, and I walked out of the room. The next bit was tricky though. I had to walk towards the bathroom while visible in the cameras, then I had to avoid them to get to Shawn’s office. If he happened to control the security cameras in his office I’d be safe. I could trick and alter the cameras, grab a book on the way back, visibly, and watch the rest of the movie, letting Luke wake up to me reading and with that confuse him regarding how much time he’d been out in his nap. Under any circumstance I had to be fast, I cannot make him lose more than an hour without him noticing. 

The good thing was that the programme we had designed to steal all the information was fucking fast, and my walking between locations depended mostly on me, and despite how little I could trust some of the abilities I’d been failing to use in this mission, my stealth was something I could still trust. Ffive minutes after disappearing from all cameras, I was in Shawn’s office, his computer on. Ten minutes later I had found the security cameras and altered them, I had also copied all the information and sent it to Wufei. I could stop the mission there and go back. However, something stopped me. I needed to know, I needed to find out if Luke was involved or not, I needed to know if I was going to destroy his life. It was stupid of me, I admit that. I could only do more harm than good to my already precarious balance. Yet still, I felt the need eating at me, five more minutes wouldn’t do much harm to my strategy. So I opened the files and started scanning them. 

-o-

I closed the door of Shawn’s office and walked silently back to the toilet, coming out of it and taking a visible detour to the library for a book. Then I went back to the couch next to Luke who was still sleeping, sat next to him and played the movie again. However, I couldn’t focus on any of it. It was good Wufei had given me the summary on the way to and back from the library. I could only think of what my actions would cause, I only wanted to hug Luke, to protect him somehow. 

Unless Wufei found something else in the things I didn’t have the time to scan, Luke knew nothing. Shawn was indeed behind everything, but he had kept Luke out of it, protecting him? God, a love strong enough that even though you are willing to kill hundreds to get more money you would live a double life to avoid stressing and hurting just one person. Shawn did love Luke, but he wasn’t honest at the end of the day either, and that hurt Luke, otherwise why was he feeling that he loved the most in that relationship? 

A double life, I sighed at that thought. I could get that part, but shit, it wasn’t right. You may think I’m being hypocritical, but I have never said that I’m right in the way I do things. I do them in the way I can, in a way that helps me to hurt less for now, but I’m aware I have enough unresolved shit to explode one day. I have a breakdown scheduled right after this mission for example. I forced my way forward through will power and nothing else, and unless I develop some ways of coping better, or start actually accepting my past and deal with my traumas I won’t ever be able to have a happy stable life. I know that. But I never expected to live this much. It is only now, that I’m around 20 and peace is starting to take shape, that I can start thinking about it. Why would Shawn decide to live the rest of his life like that? Would I do that too? If I ever fell in love with someone else, which I don’t want to ever happen, if I ever decide to start a relationship, could I tell them I was a gundam pilot? Could I talk about my past? Would I pretend I have no past? forbid the topic? What can that do for a long term loving relationship? Shit, more and more I realize I’m not fit for that kind of shit. 

My musings were interrupted when the movie ended, so I could stop it in the credits and take the book, not really reading, but remembering to turn pages every now and then. A part of me knew I was avoiding to think about what I was about to do to Luke. I was postponing facing that because it would hurt me. His pain would hurt me. Fuck, why had I allowed myself to become so involved with him? I had been in this house for less than a week, yet it felt as if we could have been real friends, and not just with Donovan, or with the Agent Maxwell, or Shinigami, or the Jester, but with me, Duo, street rat of L2 and ex gundam pilot, current preventer with a broken heart. God that sounded melodramatic, was I going through some late adolescence stuff or something like that? Though I noticed I felt less overpowered by my emotions and less unbalanced than when Heero was around. My mind started wandering in Heero’s direction then, but I forced it back to the present. However, when it started drifting towards what I’d do to Luke I forced it back to present again. When Luke woke up 20 minutes later I couldn’t be happier for the distraction it was. Though his kindness wasn’t a balm to my burdened soul anymore. 

-o-

The rest of the group arrived in time for lunch, by then Luke and I had watched another movie and had dared to brush around some general relationship stuff. I hinted things were better between Heero and I, he hinted there was always hope. I noticed his interaction with Shawn was marked by cycles. I guess the fact that the person with whom you are trying to make your life with hides things from you, no matter those things are not what you think, still does a lot of damage, specially in terms of trust. Trust, something I doubted I could fully give to anyone. 

Anyway, they arrived and I noticed some tension in Heero’s shoulders. As we ate, I could feel how freaking aware of his surroundings he was, his frown may have been invisible for some, but for me, and I’m sure that for Tro and Quat as well, it was clear as day. Something had happened he didn’t like. My suspicion was confirmed when Shawn mentioned the tennis match I’d promised and Heero practically vibrated. I saw it then. He wanted to win. I had no idea what struck Heero’s competitive side, specially on a mission, but I felt rising in me the need to give him that much. 

In consequence, when we walked to the tennis court I was willing to give it all, I was ready to do whatever I understood Heero wanted, he had his own agenda and I as his partner and ‘boyfriend’ was ready to follow that lead. The game was tight. Luke and Shawn were really good, Heero and I hadn’t played much tennis in our lives, go figure, but we had good coordination and reflexes. Every time we managed to get some advantage and they reached us Heero would tense a bit, I’d see the challenge in his eyes, the inner rage and frustration, the desire to win. It became contagious. A part of me wished to win now, knowing how much Heero wanted it. So when the ball came our way I didn’t think much about it and hit it right to the left corner. Luke was way to centered to catch it unless he was freaking fast, which he wasn’t. We scored, we were one point over them now. If we made the next one we’d win. I saw the small smirk in Heero’s lips and I thought, what the hell? Why not? We could win, we had their trust already. I allowed myself to hit a hard one that could give us the last point or give enough speed to the game for Heero to do it cleanly. Shawn managed to answer my right, but not Heero’s left. With a groan of frustration, Luke and Shawn saw the ball hit the ground one, two, three times. 

We scored. We won. I left a tired whoop come out and turned to Heero who came approaching me. He grabbed my face and the back of my neck then, and I knew what was going to happen. My eyes widened in shock, and when his lips touched mine I gasped. He took the chance and darted his tongue inside my mouth, exploring. Pain blossomed from my heart with an intensity that allowed a single tear to fall. It landed on Heero’s thumb, that cleaned it away. Then something clicked within me, and before I could stop myself my arms reached around Heero’s neck and I opened my mouth giving him full access, my tongue started battling with his. It was intoxicating, it was fire, it was so fucking much. And then Heero started pulling away, reality shocked me once more, and my arms dropped dead to my sides, allowing him to retreat without making any kind of gesture that could indicate I wanted more, a lot more. Heero did the whole rubbing our noses together and pecking me in the lips a couple of times before turning towards the rest. I pretended to notice their presence just then, as I’d done so many times before, and hid my embarrassed face in Heero’s embrace. Shawn only snorted at this, but Luke laughed with delight before leading the way to our dinner. 

I purposefully avoided looking towards Quatre and Trowa, the only ones who could read more than a couple’s winner kiss in our little display of affection over the tennis court. When I saw Quatre’s blond head walking in front of me I sighed in relief, but I had forgotten about Trowa, who as soon as I started walking towards the house, once Heero was away enough, passed an arm over my shoulders in a companionable celebratory way, while approaching my ear and whispering: ‘What the hell was that?’ I tensed for a second, his hold only tightened, but then I relaxed and flashed him a smile. ‘I needed to compensate for yesterday’s mess of a kiss in front of everyone. If I showed crisis yesterday and today we play that well, it means we have kind of sorted the problem, so we should be in the compensation stage after conflict. Compensation in couples usually means getting all clingy and shit’. I recited, almost as if read from a textbook. His eyes widened. 

‘Shit, I know you like creating complex characters, but couldn’t you do it when we actually have the time to discuss about them?’ I shrugged sheepishly as all reply. I had managed to kind of convince Trowa that everything was fine for now. He’d say this to Quatre, and Wufei had heard our conversation anyway. if I'd answered with words I could've made a mistake and the suspicion they have had all these days that something is wrong will become their certainty. I need to finish this mission before that happens. Finish the mission and leave on holidays or something. Be away for a while, rebuild my walls, find lips that allow me to forget that damned kiss. I almost hissed to the pain of the memory. 

-o-

That night Wufei confirmed what I had already discovered. As soon as Heero and I stepped in the no cameras section of our room we heard his voice. Shawn was deeply involved in the mess, preventers would come the next day and arrest him, taking the rest of the evidence to find who else had a part on the mess his group had already left in L8. Luke was innocent. Not only there weren’t files related to him, but the few times Wufei found any mention of him was basically Shawn saying that Luke was to be kept in the dark and out of all that shit. I staggered to the confirmation of my betrayal, making Heero direct reading eyes at me. When Wufei told me they were going to strip Shawn of everything I couldn’t help the image of Luke alone in that big ass house, cold, measuring the poison in his tea. I couldn’t help a hiss of pain. Heero shook me out of my damned head by shaking me, his hands on my shoulders, his eyes voicing the question he wouldn’t dare, but Wufei did.

‘Maxwell? What the hell happened?’ I shook my head, forgetting Wufei couldn’t really see me, and made my way to the toilet. When Wufei called for me again I almost snapped at him, before remembering he hadn’t heard a reply. Instead I took the time to open the faucet and covered by the noise of water falling I only said it was nothing. Then I was out back again, walking towards Heero. Once I reached him I threw my arms over his neck, being close enough to whisper. 

‘We have been quiet for too long, we just won a game down there and made a bit of a show, sex is to be expected’, I made sure to devoid my voice of emotions. All I had to give was agony anyway. I couldn’t even really focus on the person in front of me. Yes, I loved Heero, and this hurt me, but right now my mind was full of what I had already done to Luke. I had finally reconnected with the fact that I was in a mission and it was my role to be a fucking bastard, not to link with the subjects under investigation. That gave me the strength to give orders back, to lay over the bed and start moaning and making noises even before Heero had properly reached me. His eyes widened in what I presume was surprise. It was the first time I initiated this. More than that, my eyes were glassy, focused in images my head created with the only purpose of torturing me, playing my fears, empathizing with Luke. I couldn’t see the person in front of me. I didn’t even need Heero right now to pretend to have sex, I could do it on my own, and I guess he had just noticed that much. 

Once we were over Heero rolled to his side, but I could feel his eyes on me. I just stayed where I already was, but turned my face to see the night. An owl crossed between trees and I felt tears in the back of my eyes. Unable to take it anymore I grabbed the robe and walked out to the balcony. I couldn’t sleep, I was afraid of having nightmares if I forced myself, I couldn’t just lie there next to a judging and observant Heero either. It was another long and cold night for me.


	6. Day 6

Next morning I locked myself in the bathroom as soon as I felt Heero’s efforts to get out of the bed and start the last day of our mission. I was out of the room even before he finished his own shower. This was the last day of this facade and I needed to prepare myself for that too. I needed to be ready for Preventers coming in here, for them taking Shawn away, for Luke’s reaction, for his look of betrayal, for Heero being back to the cold soldier who doesn’t touch me, doesn’t approach me, doesn’t kiss me, doesn’t hug me. I needed to be ready for the return of the person I’d fallen in love with and start dealing with my obvious masochism, with was lied behind my affection, with what I really wanted. I wanted someone I could trust, I could rely on. But it wasn’t fair, as I couldn’t give any of that back. Shit but this mission was making me question so much, look at myself in a whole new way, and this damned process of discovering oneself that never ends is just… exhausting. I’m done. I’m really done. I don’t want to. I may be a coward, or maybe just wise enough, but I was ready to run away. That’s what I do after all. 

As today the day was hot enough, the hosts decided it’d be a good plan go to the small private beach we’d seen our second day in here to just swim a bit. Of all the options, it was what made me happier. I’d loved that small beach. This time we went in a minivan. I don’t get why we used the horses the previous time then, but well. Maybe they just wanted to show they had a lot of them. Under any circumstance, we were at the beach at 10:30, so we had plenty of time to swim before lunch. 

I was quick to look for solitude. While in the past being close to Luke made me feel a bit better, now it was the opposite. Besides, I didn’t need to cultivate our relationship anymore, I had already damaged it beyond repair. Could I ever forgive someone who destroyed my life? Who took the person I loved the most away from me? I had my answer already, I’d gone to war just to kill all of them. I am not the forgiving type. So while everyone started playing in the sand or in the beach close to it I went diving deeper and deeper into the sea, keeping myself afloat in places where my feet couldn’t reach. Heero could tell them I was crazy about swimming for all I care, I just didn’t want unexpected visits. 

However my peace was disrupted anyway. After precious 30 minutes of me time Trowa swam next to me. Without a word, he grabbed my arm and tugged until I followed him to a close rock where we could sit and talk. I bit down a curse, but followed, not much I couldn’t do without raising others’ alarms. 

‘You haven’t slept in three nights’, he started, I narrowed my eyes, so they had been talking about me, sweet. ‘What the hell is going on?’ I sighed, a part of me wanted to snap at him and tell him to leave me alone, another part of me knew he was only worried about me, and he had a reason to be, I’d be frantic if I’d seen the same behaviour in a friend. I couldn’t really lie to him, and try to dismiss this now wouldn’t have much success, he was expecting that from me already. 

‘Don’t wanna talk about it’, I blurted, surprising both of us. Though it was the truth. 

‘So you don’t deny something is going on?’ He pressed. 

‘Would you buy it if I tried to deny it?’ I cooked an eyebrow. He seemed to deflate. 

‘No, I wouldn’t’, he admitted then. I thanked the universe for the damn instincts that had been saving me this whole damned mission. ‘But…’ He started, I stopped him. 

‘Don’t. I don’t want to talk about it Tro. Give me space, that’d be the best for now.’ 

‘And after?’ He pressed.

‘We need to reach after first, then we could maybe talk. I just need some holidays, to be away for a while.’ 

‘Fine, and you don’t need to talk to me, but I’m not leaving you alone now.’ I backed to the determination in his eyes. It made me wonder how I’d looked this whole week, out of balance for sure. The mess I was had been evident enough that they had questioned my character, and fuck but they had been right, I'd only managed to give them some temporary security, nothing that could resist further pressure. I guarded myself and tried to read some more. He caught my effort, but he didn’t seem to know what I was looking for. Good, it means he hadn’t figured out about my feelings for Heero. At least I hadn’t compromised all of my dignity. If Trowa hadn’t considered the possibility, most likely Heero didn’t do it either. So I shrugged and sat for a bit. Trowa stayed there with me in companionable silence. It felt odd though, because a part of me knew he was assessing whatever he could see in me. Luckily the lunch bell stopped our non-interaction and we swam back to the beach. Trowa was quick to dismiss the situation, as others had noticed we stayed away for long. Apparently the lie was that I enjoyed deep swimming a bit too much, and Trowa was better swimmer than Hiro, being then used to be around me in those moments, which we also used to catch up. Not such an unlikely reality for once, I couldn’t really feel bothered by that particular lie. 

Sadly, after lunch I couldn’t try to find the same solitude. I’d be odd, but also you are not supposed to eat and swim and all that crap. However, something in Quatre’s eyes told me it was his turn to meddle, in a desperate attempt to avoid it I turned to my right, facing Luke who seemed to be waiting to interact with me. He offered for us to take a short walk to the hill I’d missed our second day here, with the excuse of my twisted ankle. I nodded being apparently grateful for his suggestion, and we walked away together. Quatre frowned, but let us go, no one else made any attempt to stop us. They were too busy preparing a competition of… fuck if I know. 

Luke and I walked in silence for a bit, until we couldn’t hear the others anymore. Then he slowed his pace to make sure we walked side to side, the path was wide enough for it anyway. ‘Is everything alright?’ He started, I almost snorted to the similarity in concern yet such a different approach between him and Tro. I sighed instead, I needed to be Donovan again. 

‘Define alright?’ I said sheepishly, he chuckled, god, we even had the stupid sense of humor following a similar line. ‘I don’t really know. I mean, after we talked I went to Hiro and we talked, and the next day I was better, we watched a movie and we didn’t talk about it, so I guess you noticed I was better. Damn, we even won that game and…’ I passed a hand through my bangs in exasperation. ‘...and I felt a fire ignite, a fire that I hadn’t realized we were missing. We went back to our room, and it was great but… but now I can’t stop noticing the lack of that spark.’ I turned to him almost desperate, Luke’s eyes widened in both surprise and understanding. 

‘We are not 16 anymore’, he said automatically, and I realized he’d felt the same quite a few times in his life, and that had been the explanation he had used to quiet his insecurities. 

‘Is it only that?’ I pressed further, god, I didn’t want to hurt him, but if I could make him face his insecurities and fears perhaps taking Shawn away from him wouldn’t be so painful? I didn’t want to hurt him. ‘Do we only get a few adolescent years of fire and then… no more for the rest of our lives? We are only in our 20s. I don’t want to lose that, yet... if I won’t have it ever again I cannot let Hiro go either.’ Luke grabbed my arm almost hard enough to hurt. He seemed anxious about me and hurting himself as well. I was bringing his fears out in the open. 

‘You don’t have to decide anything now, you can talk to him, there’s counselling, therapy, you can discover what took the fire away and how to bring it back, as you said, you are still young.’ 

‘I cannot imagine my life without him’, I hid my face in my hands and Luke softened his touch, rubbing my back in circles. It was oddly comforting. 

‘I know’, he whispered, I turned to face him. 

‘I know you know… I, I’m sorry, I don’t want to speak your fears, I don’t want to make you remember’

‘Not really your fault’, he soothed. ‘I’m here and even though I have felt the lack of spark too I still stay. I cannot imagine my life without him either. He is hiding something, I don’t know what that is, and I cannot face that he may have someone else. It would absolutely devastate me if he did. So I stay, I don’t pressure him, I try to become a comfortable shadow. But I couldn’t encourage you to do the same, it hurts too much, and you are just as sensitive as I am. I don’t want you trying to kill yourself as I did, trying to make sure you don’t live without him, and that he feels tied to you enough to stay around after everything, even when you have nothing else to offer…’

‘If I could give you some piece of mind, if I could do anything to make you feel better…’ I blurted before thinking. He tried to cover the pain in his eyes, to minimize it, and it hurt me to see him do that. And then he just killed me. 

‘Don’t worry, I just need time, time together to keep talking about it and find a solution together to these feelings I have. I know he intends to grow old with me and that’s all I ask for now. As long as we are together we can sort this out.’ His words echoed inside me, making me dread to go back to the house, where Wufei and the rest of the team would be waiting. Of course we had to act as if we knew nothing, be surprised and shit, but Luke was not stupid, he’d get someone had betrayed them, someone got the evidence Shawn was hiding well enough for him not to know shit about all the hidden business. He’d figure out that it was the result of people who had recently come into his circle. I felt guilt strong enough to bend me in half, and only training stopped me from reacting. 

-o- 

We took our time walking around the small hill I hadn’t managed to see the previous time. Luke showed me the nicer spots, and damn, but they were beautiful. We talked some more about life and love and some other lighter issues as well. I could only be glad Wufei had stopped hearing me as he had disconnected the comms., he was on his way to stop Shawn after all, evidence gathered and shit. So by the time Luke and I came back to the rest of the group, they were ready to go back home and eat again. Luke hurried to grab Shawn’s hand, I guess in an attempt to soothe the emotions that had been shaken today in his talk with me. In turn, Heero approached me, hugging me from behind and kissing my shoulder, kind of asking me in silence if I was alright. However, I knew it was an act so I couldn’t really engage with his fake worry. Moreover, I was so overwhelmed by the guilt of what I knew was about to happen that I had no space in me for my own personal drama. What’s unrequited love compared to destroy the reason of living of someone else? And damn but I knew that pain a bit too well. 

Heero tried to engage with me a couple of times on the way back to the mansion, but I couldn’t really pay any attention to him, I was avidly focused on Luke, trying to read all of his reactions, trying to gauge what was going to happen, how violent this was going to result for him. Besides, the closer and closer we got to the house, the more Heero became the perfect soldier again. He could probably feel the end of his mission. Therefore, there was no reason to play a part he probably hated anyway, more than that, I doubt he gave two shits about Luke’s feelings. So I sat and waited in silence. 

-o-

Wufei planned it all very well, I have to credit him on that, but of course he would, he is a damned perfectionist after all. He made sure we had all gotten out of the van and it was on its way to the garage. Only then they approached us. They identified themselves, and Wufei had an older agent doing so, probably to avoid making connections to us. They didn’t read all charges in front of visitors, but asked to go to talk to Shawn in a different room. Shawn went pale and his eyes frantically looked for Luke’s. Luke went pale as well, and I saw when it clicked, that all the secrecy he felt had to do with this something illegal Preventers were accusing Shawn of doing. He didn’t believe Shawn was innocent though, but god, the mixture of pain, because he had kept a secret and was going to be taken away, and relief, because his secret wasn’t another lover, I could read it clearly in his eyes and it tore at me. 

It all happened in a haze then. Shawn went with them to his office, and came out of it handcuffed and straight to preventers’ SUV. Luke tried to go to him, but Shawn shook his head, asking him not to. The look of betrayal Luke gave him made me stagger back. I can only imagine how much it hurt him to be left out. But manners and duty overpowered him. While Preventers’ took Shawn away Luke turned to us, apologizing for the situation, asking us to prepare as he would prefer to stop the weekend a day earlier to go to the city with Shawn. He asked us to pack while he called their lawyer and offered the help of the house service. 

I froze, wanting to give some comfort that I knew I didn’t deserve to give, which could lead to further betrayal, so when I felt Heero’s hand in my lower back I just let him guide me to the room. We packed our things in silence, and were soon joined by Trowa and Quatre as we had arrived together in the same car. I didn’t get to see Luke when we left, and I felt like utter shit for acting like friends and then just abandoning him like that, without even a polite goodbye. Yet, I knew that was only to soothe my guilty mind. For him, it wouldn’t make a difference, and once he found out I was a preventer… I faltered, someone put a hand in my shoulder, Trowa directed a concerned glance at me. 

I remembered then I still had the comm. in my ear and I ripped it out. Trowa frowned at me, but said nothing as we were climbing our van already. We had arrived together and we were leaving together with the only addition of Wufei, who was comfortably sitting inside the van, waiting for us. Given the way he looked at me, this was as much debriefing as an intervention. I felt rage surge inside me. I had no interest in hearing shit. I had enough with my own thoughts. So I made sure to seat next to the door, and faced the window, knowing Wufei would prioritize work over their damned curiosity. 

I’d be lying if I say I payed attention to whatever Wufei said. I had the relevant information anyway. Shawn was involved, Luke wasn’t. Tons of people had died to give Shawn his lifestyle. People with dubious moral and a liking for violence and destruction had found a living with him. Whatever else I needed to learn I could do it reading the report Wufei had probably already submitted. It would be a better use of my time anyway. I needed to think, to put my barriers up, to be ready for a questioning I just didn’t want to face. Sadly, Wufei was fast, I guess I didn’t really consider how much his concern would increase after my talk to Trowa in the beach that day. The asshole had already shared my words with everyone else, I was certain, and if I’d had any doubt the speed with which Wufei decided to address the Donovan/Duo issue was quite telling. 

I heard them calling my name, but I remained stubbornly looking outside. Only when Wufei reached to touch me I turned to their concerned expressions, well, except Heero, who was a damned soldier again. I felt something snap. I was angry again. Why the fuck do I need to give explanations to fucking anyone? I never fucking did. Yes, I was acting weird the whole mission, but I did my share anyway. I betrayed an innocent person, the only one who seemed to understand a bit of the real me. I wished I hadn’t done so, but I played the bastard for the mission, I got the intel we needed, I got us access, I stole the information. What else did they want from me? To share all my fucking feelings? Right, like they’d do so with me. Fuck them, fuck Preventers, fuck Heero and his damned ‘the mission is always first’, why had he to be such a realistic loving boyfriend? He could have been a bit more of a bastard and I’m sure I’d be less confused. 

The storm having place inside me must have shown a bit, because Wufei backed away from me fast after calling my attention. They seemed a bit stunned by me, and I guess… if maybe Heero wasn’t Heero they would have kept their mouths shut. Yet, we all know the luck I have. 

‘Maxwell, we need some explanation regarding your behaviour in this mission’, he stated. It wasn’t a question, it was a demand, an order. Fuck him.

‘Why? Donovan was a key character to get the location of Shawn’s office, to give you the opportunity to scout, to get the password and give me the chance to send all the information to Wufei. If you want a whole clarification of Donovan’s personality I’m afraid I won’t bother. He was a character I made under need, now it is not needed anymore, that’s all Donovan’s depth.’ I looked away again, and got distracted by a shadow in the distance. I recognized the tiny glow behind the shadow as a bit of sea, the only bit visible from the highway. It only took me one more second to realize that was probably the small private beach I loved so much, and logic told me the shadow was Luke. I felt an urge to go to him. If he killed himself this time, it’d be my fault. Hadn’t he said he’d be going to town with the lawyer? Then why the fuck was he in that remote place? 

‘Duo’, Trowa voice brought me back to my present. ‘We both know this goes beyond Donovan’. I faced his deeply concerned eyes, the stubbornness set on them. He was almost willing to force an explanation out of me. I felt the same determination coming from everyone else and reached a whole new level of fed up. Every second dismissing the situation could mean Luke’s death. Before I could consciously stop myself I hissed and muttered ‘I don’t have the time for this shit’. Then, knowing the driver would take a few seconds to realize what I’d done, and to stop after that, specially with the speed we had, I just opened the fucking door and got myself down to the highway, rolling fast to the side to avoid breaking anything. I saw the shocked expressions of my friends right when I stood, unable to contain the smirk, I turned and ran the hell away from that fucking van and their thousand questions. 

By the time I reached the beach I was less certain of myself and where I wanted to be. I knew it was my own guilt what led me here, and that I was going to regret it in one way or another. If the Commander found out about my behaviour this mission I’d be having trouble, worst case scenario I’d be sent to psychological support. What? You thought I’d say I’d be fired? Right, like that psycho would let me free to go on my own around the world. Also, if I’m ever fired I’ll manage, I was supposed to be dead by now and look at me, all alive and healthy. Psychological support is the worst scenario because I have to give them something or they’ll never stop the damned sessions, and as I’m fucking paranoid I won’t trust them, as I don’t trust we cannot deal with my shit. No thanks, that’s for me to deal on my own. Besides I hate the damned sensation of having your brain all shaken after all the questions and things they make you remember. Sure, according to Quatre it’ll be better after a few sessions and then it’ll be great and shiny and happy or whatever. But he has no idea about the amount of shit I have to deal with and how ingrained my paranoia and secrecy are. Fine, I accept I’m fucking scared of what I may found if I actually trust, if maybe things are worse of what I think or if they would ever share my personal information with someone else or someone could steal it. I’m a gundam pilot, that last bit of paranoia may actually happen. Our enemies would do a great deal of shit to found our weaknesses. 

With all that rambling in my head, I had lost clarity of what I wanted to accomplish by being in that beach. What kind of comfort could I provide to Luke? Nothing at all. I could only make things worse. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself. He had given me, Duo, a solace I hadn’t known in a very long time. I was about to sit down and plan something, instead of just fucking acting as I usually do, when I saw it, the gun in Luke’s hand. The memory of my fucking dark sense of humor that night after that dares game hit me hard. I made sure he heard me once I was close to him. Given the way he looked at me, he already knew I had betrayed him. 

‘Why?’ was all he said, but the quality of his voice ripped everything inside me. It was agony, an agony I could understand. 

‘Do you want to hear the number of deaths because of his actions and funding? Or you just want to hear I’m a bastard? Because there’s truth in both statements’, I answered, with saddened voice. I couldn’t apologize, I couldn’t make excuses, if confronted to the same dilemma again, I would do the same. 

‘You really tricked me, as Shawn did… maybe it is my fault for being so easy to trick… I couldn’t believe it when I saw you ripping the mike from your ear outside the house, before getting into that damned van, and I couldn’t believe it when I saw one of the agents get in there earlier. Then I just added the whole picture… but I was so sure you loved Hiro, I was so sure of your pain…’ he lowered his voice, muttering to himself, before turning to me and shouting in anger. ‘ I thought you understood me! I thought I wasn’t alone in this pain!’

I couldn’t help it, I staggered back. ‘I do love him, I was in pain’, I confessed in a whisper. I couldn’t take him enduring the pain for the things he got right. He had suffered enough damn it! I knew what was going to happen before it did. Luke turned to me, his eyes crazy with pain and betrayal. His hand rose the gun almost out of instinct, pointing right to the centre of my chest. He was so damned close that he wouldn’t miss. He was so damned close the gun would burn my chest. ‘Then I’ll take him away from you as you took Shawn away from me’, he sentenced before firing. It only seemed fair to me at the moment. It seemed fair until I felt the bullet pass through me, destroying everything in the way, and I realized I was going to die. This damned mission had killed me after all. I couldn’t help the smile, and I think it was that over anything else what brought back Luke’s sanity. 

He ran to me and I guess only adrenaline made him reach my head before it hit the ground. Though it didn’t matter. There was blood everywhere. It seemed silly I had been so concerned about being sent to psychological evaluation after this mission. My secrets were safe, my love for Heero was safe, no one would ever know. 

‘Donovan… oh god, Donovan… I’m so sorry’, he broke and wept. I thought about how shitty this all was. He’d be charged with homicide and Shawn with terrorism, they wouldn’t be together inside prison either, and Luke wouldn’t be able to survive it. He was soft, and hurt, and sweet, and a good person. But if he ever went to prison he would never recover. 

‘It’s ok’, I whispered, ‘you did me a favor anyway. Now hear me out’, I coughed, Luke went pale, shit, I didn't have much time. ‘Clean the gun and put it in my hand’, his eyes widened in shock. ‘Do as I say. Then, run the fuck away, go to town, see Shawn and leave somewhere else. If someone ask, say you saw me on the beach where you came to think, you heard the gunshot and you run away. I’ll say it was you. There will be no evidence, you will remain free. Do as I say.’

‘Your friends will know, Hiro will know’, he said, his voice running fast with anxiety and fear.

‘They will think I tried to kill myself. I told you, “it’s complicated”’, he seemed to really see me then. ‘You do love him…’ he gasped out, I laughed in what came out as a series of gasps and hisses and bubbles of blood. ‘And if you ever tell him or anyone…’ I tried to give some strength to my wavering voice, ‘I’ll make sure you’ll never see Shawn again’. It was nice, to see his eyes change from betrayal to a promise. We had reached some sort of understanding. Perhaps he’d understood his revenge was complete, that it wasn’t my fault that Shawn had lied to him, that Shawn will be free one day but I will be dead. I don’t know. But he was a renewed version of Luke then, one still in pain but more in control. I figured that he didn’t want to really kill me, but there was nothing else to do, I was running out of time. So he cleaned the gun, put it in my hand, its weight a familiar comfort, and left me there to die. I used my last minutes to look at the ocean. It hit me then, I had loved that tiny beach since the very moment I saw it, you see, the sea… well, it was the same colour of Heero’s eyes. I wanted to laugh at my own stupidity, but the effort was more of what my body could endure.


	7. After

I felt numb, light and confused. Hospital, anesthetics. What the hell had happened? As I asked the question a series of painful flashbacks decided to answer. I groaned in pain and when Luke shot at me I could only whisper his name. I felt a new wave of anesthetics in my blood, the pain stopped and with it everything else as well. 

-o-

The next time I woke up I was a bit more aware of my surroundings but not enough. I still couldn’t open my eyes as the light gave me a horrible headache, I couldn’t move my hands, and I couldn’t fucking think. A familiar voice asked me something, one of the questions made me mutter Luke’s name again, but before I could say something else unconsciousness took me away. 

-o-

The third time I woke up it was better. First, it was dark, second, I was alone. This gave me the option of opening my eyes and looking around, realizing I couldn’t move my arms because I was fucking restrained. Well, at least it meant they had assumed I had tried to kill myself as expected, which probably gave enough time for Luke to escape. Good. I mean, the suicide theory had some ground. I had been obviously depressed over the mission, my tiredness and insomnia were probably related to that. I had also felt quite content with the idea of dying then. Great. I needed to deal with my potential depression, my heartache, and how to conceal what had really happened, all while convincing everyone around me that I wasn’t depressed, which I was, and that I hadn’t tried to commit suicide, which I hadn’t. I hadn’t been expecting Luke to shoot at me. 

Well, the first step was to get rid of the restrains. Being restrained is not my thing, I cannot even find the kinky side of it. So I just released myself and did a quick check up, surprised to find that I’d been out of this world for two fucking weeks, which is a fucking lot. Reaching my medical record was still painful on my chest, which meant I was in the middle of my healing process. But at least I discovered the damned bullet hadn’t done that much damage, it had ripped the side of one lung, which explains the bubbles and coughing at the time, but it wasn’t all that bad that surgery hadn’t been able to fix it. I had been in critical condition when they brought me though, I had lost enough blood already. However my heart had received no damage, and the other lung was as good as always. I cursed when I got to the part of who had brought me to the hospital. Apparently the guys had managed to find me just in time. I was hoping it was someone from the house service. It’d be easier to dismiss the suicide story if they hadn’t seen me, but if your friends find you bleeding to death with a hole in your chest and a gun in your hand… well, it is kind of hard to conceal. I felt like a shitty friend then. If they ever did something like that to me… whatever, I’m a hypocritical jerk anyway. 

I had gotten as far as to stand next to the bed and acknowledging I would need a lot of exercise and training to recover my previous strength, when I heard the door open. I didn’t lift my face, I could feel four pairs of eyes intensely staring at me. I could even picture Wufei and Trowa leaning against the door frame, Quatre all worried behind them, and Heero… well, he’d be preparing for the temporary mission of making me fucking talk so he could dismiss the potential threat a weakened me could imply. I wasn’t fond of that way he had to look at me as something to control, to dismiss and… fuck, I don’t know. 

‘Trying to escape again? So soon?’ Trowa’s words were sharp, angry. To say he wasn’t happy with me would be an understatement. I shrugged, refusing to let this spiral up until I blurted shit I didn’t want to. 

‘Just checking my condition’, I said instead, shrugging had proven to be painful to my chest. 

‘To check what? If you had managed to truly mess you up forever?’ The bitterness in Heero’s voice made me rise my eyes in shocked surprise. The soldier in me took control of the situation, finally. 

‘I suddenly opened my eyes in a hospital, I had no idea how long I was out, I was restrained. Basic protocol says that if I can move I fucking move and check my damned condition.’

‘Suddenly opened your eyes? Well, it makes sense given your intention was to never fucking open them again’, Wufei whispered in that detached cold tone of voice he has when he is so insanely mad that you are not going to live long. I hadn’t heard that one in a fucking long time, my chances of dismissing the situation while protecting Luke were turning slim. 

‘Chang, as much as I adore your dramatic attitude it is misplaced right now. I saw the file and the restrains in my wrists. I can add two plus two, and no I didn’t try to kill myself, so shake that stupid idea out of your skull right now.’

‘You didn’t?’ he asked, teasing, biting, daring me to lie to him. 

‘Do you think I’d fail? If I had decided to kill myself I’d be dead, and probably you would have never found me unless I wanted for that to happen a couple of days later on, once you couldn’t do shit and the smell wouldn’t fucking hunt you.’ He seemed to deflate, the same happened with Quatre. Trowa and Heero only turned suspicious. They were always harder to convince, they had also seen too much in that damned mission. 

‘Care to explain what happened then?’ Trowa requested, his voice soft but still a demand. 

‘I was distracted and was unexpectedly attacked by someone who wasn’t really into attacking me, thus then decided not to ruin their life by admitting accidental murder?’ I shrugged at the end, hissing a bit to the pain it caused in my chest. This caused Quatre to get into the room and start pushing me back to bed. They all asked questions at the same time then. 

‘Distracted how?’

‘Who attacked you?’

‘What the hell really happened?’

‘What do you mean by accidental murder and not willing to ruin their life?’

‘Turns out I’m really not willing to ruin this person’s life, so I won’t be trying to identify my mysterious attacker. They had no intention of hurting me and regretted it enough after. They only left me once they thought they couldn’t save me. My memories are kind of confused after all the blood loss and the shock.’ I replied, not really lying but not being really honest either. 

‘Duo, you were shot in the chest and almost died, and you are telling us you won’t investigate what happened?’ Trowa repeated, I guess trying to make sense of it.

‘Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.’

‘It could have been a well acted murder attempt’ I rose an eyebrow to my friend, no way he could sustain that. ‘Fine, what had you so distracted?’

‘Luke’, I admitted, and Trowa hissed as if I’d burned him. I saw them take an defensive stance. 

‘His damned name again’, Heero growled, and I almost backed to his fist hitting the wall. Trowa put a soothing hand in his shoulder, and I felt a familiar source of pain expand. I had never been allowed to do that. They had become friends, they could understand each other, I was out of it, I had always been out of Heero’s life. 

‘Duo, we need to know, what are your feelings towards Luke?’ I directed surprised eyes to Wufei. My feelings towards Luke? I started laughing then. What a fucking complicated question. 

‘Towards him? Nothing special, guilt mostly. The feelings he evokes in me, well, that’s a bit more complicated’, I said, still laughing and partially surprised by my honesty, my mouth was running faster than my brain again. 

‘What feelings does he evoke in you?’ Wufei adapted the question, narrowing his eyes. 

‘I’m afraid it is none of your business. That has only to do with me, not even with him’. Suddenly, Heero was in front of me. 

‘You acted differently the whole mission, only looking more comfortable when around him. You had everyone concerned by falling out of character so damned often, and I could notice every time you became all tense with every single couple demonstration. You snapped and jumped out of the car at the end of the mission, ran to the beach they had shown you, right after being alone with Luke in the same place before finishing our mission. Then, after it seemed you had tried to kill yourself you only spoke to say his name. What the hell is going on?’

‘I won’t…’ I tried to answer, he cut me, grabbing my shoulders.

‘Did you try to kill yourself?’ 

‘No… I…’

‘Do you love him?’

‘What? Of course not. Heero, what the hell?’ I tried to shake him off. 

‘Do I disgust you that much?’ He growled, releasing me as if I’d burned him. 

‘No! Just what the hell is going on?’ Wufei put a hand in Heero’s chest, stopping him, allowing the perfect soldier to come back, had I made him lose his balance? 

‘You were… different this mission. You seemed depressed and hurt, you hid things and we believe you lied to us’ I narrowed my eyes in anger, ready to fight Wufei’s accusation. ‘Fine, maybe you didn’t lie openly, but you did that thing you always do, hiding in half lies and half truth and hiding a great deal of what is going on, trying to dismiss the situation. You connected with Luke somehow. Even I could notice through the comm. For the rest it was even more obvious. You two talked, and the way you spoke to him when there was no one else around, it seemed to me you really clicked. Now I don’t know for certain how much was Donovan and how much it was you talking, the stories you shared… are they all fiction? Did you go through any of it?’ I bit my lip, he was talking about that damned night again. ‘Heero said you didn’t sleep for three nights in a row and when Trowa tried to talk to you about it, you shut him off. Then, when we tried to talk to you, you do something as crazy as leaving the damn car while going full speed. How would you feel if any of us did something like that? And then, when we finally find you, is in a spot related to the mission, all covered in blood, pale, dying. Duo, we really thought you were going to die. All of us donated blood for you. All of us sat in this damned room day and night for the past two weeks thinking over and over about everything we saw and dismissed, or maybe what we didn’t really take seriously in that damned mission. We thought you had tried to kill yourself, which of course meant we failed as both friends and co-workers. We were with you the whole week before you tried to commit suicide and we weren’t able to see it? How do you think that makes us feel? The more and more we talked about it all the more we realized you froze, tensed and distanced every time Heero tried to touch you, the story you shared with Luke… you seem so relaxed when it comes to physical touch, but then we noticed, it is always you who start it. What if you had been hurt as a child? or as an adult? or during the war? How come we never notice? Now you say you didn’t try to kill yourself, yet you are not going to try and find out who attacked you, and Luke makes you feel things, and Heero doesn’t disgust you but you don’t want to be touched again… can you guess how we feel with all this? How confusing it is?’

Both the length and the content of Wufei’s speech deflated me. He was right. I knew he was. How many times the past few days I thought I could never accept it if the guys did to me what I did to them? Still, I couldn’t properly answer their questions. I suddenly felt the tiredness of having just opened my eyes about an hour ago. I leaned against the bed, feeling slow and weak. 

‘I cannot deal with this now’, I muttered. ‘No need to worry, everything will be fine. I just need to sleep some more.’ As I leaned back, my eyes closed, someone grabbed my arms, the electricity that traveled through my body told me it was Heero, who else could cause that effect in me? 

‘Duo? Duo, what on earth is going on?’ I felt his grasp soften as he turned towards the guys. ‘Leave me alone with him’

‘Heero, this is not a good time…’, Quatre started, but Heero cut him. 

‘Please’, he said, and I felt steps leaving the room, the door closing. The hands in my arms grabbed me with strength again. ‘Duo, look at me’. I refused initially, but he kept silent, I could feel his stare, and he waited until I caved in. ‘Are you in love with Luke?’

‘I think I’ve said enough times already that I am not’. He nodded and continued with his damned questioning. 

‘Do I disgust you?’

‘No, you don’t’, I looked away, I didn’t want to make him feel bad, or to doubt my answer, but I didn’t want him seeing more in me either. 

‘Did this mission remind you of unpleasant and perhaps traumatic sexual memories?’ I looked at him in shock, and almost laughed. He was worried about me, he, Heero Yuy, was worried about me. I could feel it in his voice, sense it in the way his hands slightly trembled while grabbing me hard, but not enough to bruise, and I could see it in his eyes.

‘No Heero, it didn’t remind me of traumatic sexual experiences’.

‘Then why my touch seemed to upset you so much?’ I sighed, that was a tricky one to answer. 

‘We were pretending to be a loving couple in a mission, we were pretending to have sex, we kissed and touched. Don’t you feel it was a bit like prostituting yourself for your job? What if they had cameras towards the bed, would you have done it with me?’ He jerked away from me, the familiar hurt of rejection came to say hi to me, mixing with the pain of my wound. 

‘Did you feel forced to do all those things with me?’ There was an odd trembling in his voice that made me turn to fully face him. 

‘Didn’t you?’ I asked back. ‘Heero, you barely talk to me and suddenly you were “babe” this, and “babe” that, all touchy and well… a character that was highly… not you’. I tried to explain.

‘And what if it was the other way around?’ his eyes showed an intensity that burned me. Oh god, why did he have this power on me? I felt a different bittersweet pain travelling through my veins, hope, it was a glimmer of hope that I better killed right that moment or I was going to regret it even more later on. 

‘What do you mean?’ I couldn’t help but ask, berating myself for my traitorous mouth. He looked away for a minute, as if gathering his thoughts, the anticipation was enough to drive me crazy. Stupid hope, was that the reason why I hadn’t been able to get over these silly feelings of mine?

‘Granted, I was acting…’ I almost hissed to the pain, hating my perennial stupidity once more. ‘But I wouldn’t have gone that far… if you hadn’t been my partner in this mission’, he added in a much lower voice, so low I had trouble hearing him. ‘I used to think you irritated me, because you distracted me, and when I realized it was something different I couldn’t really do a thing. We are soldiers, for fucks’ sake…’ He started talking so fast that it was hard to follow until his curse startled me, that was very unlike Heero as well. ‘I knew I had to keep it controlled, out of respect. I couldn’t take advantage of this, and damn but it was so hard, and you kept rejecting me, turning me away, getting closer and closer to Luke and I could see you in pain. I could see you confused and lost in thought… And then we found you in that beach… dying…’ I was frozen, frozen by what this all could mean, frozen by the obvious pain and confusion in him. ‘Duo, I need to know… how do you feel towards Luke?’ 

‘Why? Why does it matter to you?’ I whispered back, I needed to hear it clearly, openly, I couldn’t assume a thing.

‘Because I care…’ he whispered back. 

‘Why? Why Heero? Why do you care?’ His hand traveled through his hair in desperation, I was making it hard for him, I know, but what if I was wrong? Was if I confessed feelings that ran deep enough to make me think I couldn’t take this anymore? What if he didn’t mean the same? Even if he liked me, perhaps desired me… that just wasn’t enough, settling for that option would kill me slowly. I needed more. 

‘Not all of it was acting… and I thought you felt it too… that kiss… the one after the tennis match. I was going crazy trying to stop my feelings from ruining this mission and you were acting so different, yet you were doing all we expected and more. I had no idea of what to do, where you acting? was some of it getting to you? I didn’t want to let you see what shouldn’t exist in me, even less in a mission, the worst place in the world for something like emotions. I thought we’d have the time to talk about this mission, that kiss… the fire I felt from you in that moment… and then I thought you were going to die for the pain of not being loved by someone else, and I thought in that kiss, and that fire just turned to ice to the perspective of never feeling that again, never feeling you around me again. Quatre sat me down and made me see, made me realize how stupid I am, how blind, and how much I still need to work in leaving the soldier I was trained to become in the past…’

‘You are rambling’, I cut him, surprised by the length of his speech. Somehow, it made him focus in me hard enough that I just couldn’t look in any other direction. 

‘I love you. The thought of you hurting hurts me, the idea of you rejecting me also hurts me. The notion of a world without you… almost drove me crazy.’ And in that moment the pain and the hope that threatened to overpower me, the anxiety that had been growing in my insides, all of it disappeared, and I felt in a way I have never felt before. I was suddenly strong enough to deal with this, I was suddenly ready, lighter, freer. I leaned back in the bed, slowly as not to startle Heero, not to make him feel I was rejecting him, quite the contrary. 

‘Heero, I am going to tell you two things now, but I want you to promise me you will not act on the first one.’ He directed confused eyes to me, but nodded anyway. 

‘The reason why I called Luke so many times was because he shot me. What I feel towards him is the guilt of having destroyed his life, the life of someone who could speak to both Donovan and Duo Maxwell. I will not hunt him because he didn’t want to kill me. Yes, he meant to hurt, but because he was desperate in pain. I, who seemed to understand him, had betrayed him, right after the person he loved the most in this world had betrayed him too. Promise me you will not hunt him, and you’ll let him be.’ He looked murderous for a moment, a possessive rage that I had never seen before passed behind his eyes, but it transformed into cold acceptance. He didn’t like it, but he’ll do it, because I asked him to do it. ‘So that’s the first thing, the second thing is... that I was having issues with this mission, I was getting distracted, confused and in pain… because I love you too, have… for a damn long time’. I finished lamely. There were a few seconds of silence before he spoke again. 

‘You told me I cannot act on the first thing you were going to tell me. Does it mean I can act on the second one?’ I almost snorted to his way of asking permission to say something back, but nodded nonetheless. He surprised me by grabbing my chin, and before I could realize what was going on, he was kissing me, kissing me with the same fire I felt in the tennis court. I gasped in shock and that allowed him his way in once more. It only took a second for me to catch up. This was the bastard who had my heart in his hand for the past years, that made my last weeks a fucking hell, all without noticing, all without ill intention, but still. I was not letting him dominate the damn kiss, I was not letting him dominate the damned relationship. So I actively returned his kiss, and that seemed to ignite his fire even more. It wasn’t long until our breathing was ragged, and the machines connected to me told us this was a bit much for my wounded body. Heero took some distance when the beeping indicating my heart rate went crazy, but kept our foreheads together. 

‘That was more like you’, he muttered and I felt so centered after so much chaos that I wanted to laugh. 

‘So Donovan wasn’t your cup of tea?’ I teased.

‘Some things were, the things that are yours but you try to not let see, or how you let yourself be pampered and cared for. The same way some things of Hiro were mine.’

‘If you start calling me babe I’ll throw up’, he laughed then, and god but my heart almost peaked again. 

‘No, not that, but the need to permanently touch you, that definitely, the worry about you not feeling in pain, that too.’ His good humour toning down to the remembrance of my near death experience I suppose. 

‘Are you going to be a corny lover?’ I tried to lighten to mood again, he directed his intense stare at me and let me do. 

‘No, but I’m not going to be an asshole either. I need to learn a lot more, or we wouldn’t be in this situation, but I’m a fast learner, and Quatre already threatened me. Just… be you and don’t let me cross boundaries I shouldn’t, don’t allow me to become the soldier again’. 

‘So, not Hiro, but not the soldier Heero…’ I tried to summarize. 

‘And not Donovan, not the Jester, not even Shinigami’, I turned to him in surprise. 

‘We both messed up in that mission. My mistakes brought all the attention to us, the tension between us, it made you feel confused and failing. I brought the focus to us because I couldn’t stop touching you, putting you off balance. My hiding in the soldier did that. Your hiding made you vulnerable to the emotions my actions made you feel. You couldn’t dismiss them because you couldn’t turn into Shinigami or the Jester. It transformed your secrets in your reality and it ate at you… not until you tried to kill yourself, but at least until you accepted death as a suitable ending for the mission. Luke spoke to your fears somehow, in a way I don’t fully understand, but I dread the consequences.’ I was stunned by his understanding of our behaviours in the mission, of our mistakes, and I was shocked as hell by this talkative person next to me, analysing, expressing, communicating. He must have sensed it, because he looked our eyes and emphasized. ‘If we keep the way we were, we are not going anywhere. We both need to make an effort. I’m not saying it will be easy, or that it will work perfectly from the first try. But I want to do it. I don’t want to feel like I’m losing you again, I don’t want you at risk of your own thoughts, and I want to be able to kiss you and touch you, and sleep next to you, without a damned mission in between.’

‘Fine’, I conceded, damn, I wanted to try. I had felt his damned passion and it was directed towards me, his distance in the mission, his coldness… it was all a way to protect both of us, him from risking the mission, and me because he didn’t want to take advantage of the opportunity. He wasn’t so much of a soldier as I thought he was anymore. ‘But it will cost you a few more kisses and enduring with the nasty patient I’m gonna be’, I teased, he laughed, and he kissed me again, and I burned, but there was no pain this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo cheesy, agh, I really had no other way of ending my fics apparently haha. I'll see if I have something slightly different for next time, at least not a get together to add something new. I'm sure I must have something haha. I hope you enjoyed this!


End file.
